There is a saying among hikers and backpackers about “leaving the trail better than you found it”. This usually means clearing out obstacles as you go, or maybe fixing parts of a trail that are damaged so the next person coming through has a better experience. I’ve done this at the park trails where I walk. If I come across a plastic grocery back on the trail (happens a lot along paths along the roadway), I try to grab it and pick up trash on my way back home. I feel better about cleaning up the walkway and get to enjoy a better experience the next time I go out for a walk on that trail.

So, why not apply this simple principle to the home. Leave every room better than it was when you entered it. If you can develop this habit, you’ll find yourself carrying your dishes with you when you leave a room and head for the kitchen. Once in the kitchen, maybe you put something away that you left on the counter. As you walk through the dining area, you might push in the chair you left out when you got up from the table earlier. You might also find yourself carrying those wrappers to the trash as you go instead of leaving them for your parent or spouse to pick up.

Developing this as a small habit, some call it small but sustained effort will certainly make you easier to live with and you will feel better about yourself for being a more responsible person.

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If you have ADHD, you’re probably familiar with not getting things done when they should be getting done.  You’re well aware of all the tasks and chores you’ve let pile up on your to-do list, yet still can’t seem to get started.  You walk by it or shuffle it around on your desk, but you never actually start it. But it takes up a lot of space in your head thinking about it. 

Procrastination is one of the most common traits in ADHD.  We put off things until the very last minute while also telling ourselves we need to get started.  When we do finally start the project, it’s usually when we’ve put it off as long as possible. And now the pressure is so high, we’re aware it’s not possible to put it off any longer.  If you’re a high school student, this usually means the day before it’s due and you have to pull an all nighter.  If you’re a married man, it might mean your wife has started doing a google search for divorce attorneys because she’s tired of asking you to finish the basement project you started nine months ago.

This is When Depression Sets In

The weird thing is, once we actually start the project, it’s not as bad as it seemed. We actually get it done and feel pretty good about it.  But we usually endured a truckload of self criticism before we started, which takes a toll on our self esteem.  How many times have you wondered what’s wrong with you since everyone else starts their homework and gets it done?  How about that stack of paperwork that sits on your desk that your colleagues get done without breaking a sweat?  What’s wrong with you? That’s when depression can set in.  You know you’re not working up to your real potential.  People think you’re lazy or think you just don’t care.  

The reason this happens is people with ADHD don’t do well with tedious tasks that take a lot of mental effort.  It’s not that we’re dumb.  In fact, there is some evidence that people with ADHD tend to have above average intelligence on the whole.  How else could we get away with only listening half the time and still figure out what we’re supposed to do?  People with ADHD often feel mentally overwhelmed by figuring out where to start, how to start, or worry about screwing it up when we do start.  We tend to make careless mistakes by going too fast when we do start.

You’re Not Lazy

People with ADHD aren’t necessarily lazy either.  There are just tasks we do better on than others.  Boring, tedious tasks are usually last on our list.  This can be paperwork, writing assignments, laundry, mowing the lawn, etc.  I once built an entire garage by myself in a week.  That’s not lazy.  However,  I have also been known to let my mail pile up for weeks before going through it.  It just sits on a table until I finally summon the willpower to open the mail and sort it out.  Building a garage = fairly easy to start and finish; dealing with boring mail that I have to read through= hard to start.

Sensory Overload

 Some of the problem is that ADHD people experience sensory overload. This can often be visual overload or thought overload.  Too many things in our line of sight, or too many thoughts competing for attention at once.   If you take a fifth grader with ADHD and put a sheet full of fairly simple math problems in front of him, he’ll probably stare blankly at it for a few minutes before he starts…if he starts.  Or, he will start it and do pretty well at first, then start making mistakes because his mind is wandering. 

If you take a blank sheet of paper and cover all but the first row of math problems, he’ll do much better because the visual stimulation is less, and a short row of problems is less overwhelming to see than a whole sheet of problems.  Keeping moving the paper down as he completes rows and he’ll probably do much better.

However, when the fifth grader gets a poor grade on the sheet of math problems because he couldn’t stay focused, no one can blame him for getting down on himself.  This doesn’t necessarily change as we get older.  Adults suffer from this type of problem all the time, and we compare ourselves to people with normal brains.  People who don’t have ADHD also tend to judge and make assumptions about us as well.  It’s hard for them to understand why such seemingly simple things can be so hard for us.  And this too can lead to depression.

Our Own Thoughts Are Distracting

People with ADHD often get hijacked by our own thoughts.  We try to listen to you but we have this movie playing in our head while people talk.  If you say one word that reminds us of something else and our train of thought switches over to another track as if someone pulled that switch you see in movies.  We don’t change speed or anythng, it just happens smoothly and we’re not even aware we went down this other track as we chug along down this other lane while you’re still talking.  Then we hear you say, “Are you even listening to me?” 

Not wanting to get in trouble for not listening yet again, of course we’re going to say,  “of course I was listening” and try to bluff our way through it.  While it gets really tiring for other people to deal with us, it’s just as frustrating being the one who keeps screwing up.

ADHD and Anxiety

ADHD and anxiety tend to go along together for a slightly different reason.  With ADHD, you tend to forget things a lot.  You miss deadlines, forget important dates or appointments, forget to prepare for meetings, forget you had a test in history, and so on.  We also tend to lose things or leave them behind.  I once left my camera at shops or restaurants twice in a row while on vacation.  The second time, my wife was not willing to retrace our steps to retrieve it.  Fortunately, it was still there when I went back for it both times.  Also, fortunately, my wife was still there when I returned for her with the cameral.  (Although the look on her face would have soured milk).  

Those of us with ADHD tend to be surprised by these things we forget…well, sort of.  We usually remember about the meeting or test when we walk into the room and everyone else is ready to go but us.  Then it comes flooding back to us…”oh yeah the test, how could I have forgotten about this?  I’m such an idiot!”  Sometimes we just have a nagging feeling for hours or even days that we are forgetting something important.  Then the wedding anniversary hits and we realize what it was.  Many people with ADHD find themselves rushing to try to fix things at the very last minute in hopes it won’t be discovered that we forgot or were unprepared. 

Sometimes we try to bluff our way through a meeting we forgot about and hope we can BS our way through it well enough to not get caught.  But this still leaves us with the feeling that we’re a screw up and wonder why we can’t just remember this kind of stuff like normal people.

Well Meant Criticism

ADHD people grow up hearing things like, “You’re so smart, if only you would apply yourself”.  We’re the ones who leave our drink on top of the car —repeatedly—as we drive off.   We say the wrong things at the wrong times, or we drift off when people talk to us and either have to admit we stopped listening or frantically try to figure out what the person is talking about so we don’t have to admit we weren’t listening to them.  We also get in trouble for not remembering things we just talked about with people ten minutes ago.  

All these small problems can lead to anxiety as you are constantly aware that you’ve screwed up a lot in the past and are likely about to screw up again today.   When something does go wrong, such as something not getting done at work or home, we usually assume it’s our fault because it’s always our fault.  If someone tells us it’s our fault, we have to take it as fact because we know our tendency to forget things.  

What to Do About it

So, if you have ADHD…and depression…and anxiety, you’re not alone.  There are some things you can do to help minimize the effects.  You can also learn to live with it in such a way that you remember you’re still doing way more things right than you are wrong, and be okay with that.  You will probably always have ADHD symptoms to some extent, but there are things you can do to minimize the problems.  For more information about ADHD, give me a call.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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People who are married to a spouse with ADHD often feel like they have another child to take care of.  This can be really frustrating.  It’s also frustrating for the husband who always feels like he screws things up.

One of the frustrating things about living with someone with ADHD is that they have poor follow through.  This often happens even when they promise to get something done.  They also forget things easily due to mental distraction (being distracted by internal thoughts).   You may ask him to run an errand to the store and he comes back without one of the items you asked for, or perhaps the right item but the wrong brand or size.  You feel like if you want something done, you have to do it yourself because you can’t count on him.  

ADHD people often seem not to listen.  You have the same conversation about an important topic you just had two days ago.  It seems like he doesn’t bother to listen but is willing to waste your time asking you to tell him one more time.  They also act impulsively so they do or say things that at least one of you regret.  

What It’s Like to Have ADHD

Most people who suffer with ADHD spend a lot of time beating themselves up.  They grow up with the reality of making lost of mistakes, forgetting or losing lots of things and being told thousands of times throughout their lives to pay attention, just apply yourself, try harder, etc.  They don’t like making these mistakes.  It bothers them a lot when they happen.  It’s frustrating when you know you do this all the time and you still can’t stop it. People with ADHD often get really annoyed with themselves.  They get tired of being the person who always screws things up  when everyone around them seems to have it together.  When they forget to do something they promised you they would take care of, they feel bad about it and mentally beat themselves up for making yet another stupid mistake.

 Spouses with ADHD are often mild mannered when dealing with their spouse.  They are often very forgiving of your mistakes because God knows they’ve made their fair share.  However, they often get sick of being the person who can’t seem to get it right and always has to apologize for their mistakes.  They can get overly defensive about it too.  This is sometimes the reason they get angry or defensive when you bring up something they forgot, or didn’t do correctly.  Making these mistakes makes them feel foolish and they just get tired of it.  It’s hard to yet again have to face up to another mistake, even if it’s a minor one.

The Upside of Having a Spouse with ADHD

People with ADHD perform better when they remind themselves of what they’re good at.  They do better in relationships with those who can keep in mind the positive things they bring to the table and downplay their faults.  People with ADHD are often charismatic, creative, fun, spontaneous, and energetic.  They can make even mundane things  like chores more fun.  They can make vacations more exciting.  Spouses with ADHD can get you to try new things that you wouldn’t have done on your own.  They introduce you to ideas you hadn’t thought of.  They can be great entrepreneurs and are generally bigger picture thinkers rather than detail oriented.

Being married to a spouse with ADHD can be quite a challenge.  It can also be quite an adventure if you approach the relationship with the right attitude so you can accept that the ADHD will cause them to forget a lot of things, act impulsive, or be in their own world part of the time.   If you are the one who has ADHD, it helps to learn how to manage the negative side of it as best you can so your partner feels confident you are doing your part and being a true partner.

To learn more about how to make you ADHD relationship work, counseling can help.  For information about how to get started, feel free to get in touch.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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