I recently came across a sign someone put in their yard that said, “KINDNESS ALWAYS”.  At first I didn’t think much of it, but then I began pondering what the person who bought it might mean by it.  Then I considered what it means to me to “be kind”.

I suspect most people think “kindness always” should mean be nice to everyone and never do or say anything that hurts someone’s feelings.  Don’t judge people or their behavior, or at least don’t verbalize your judgements when they’re unflattering.  To me, this is problematic.  To be kind, sometimes you have to tell people the truth, even if it hurts their feelings temporarily.  We don’t grow and learn by being told we’re right all the time, or by people agreeing with every thought we have.  While it’s great to hear about times we’re right; we also need people to be honest when we’re wrong.  This allows us a more accurate assessment of ourselves and  allows us to make needed adjustments.

Kindness Also Means….

Kindness includes people caring enough about us to tell us the truth.  This could be, for example, someone telling us a shirt doesn’t look good on us, or telling us we’re behaving inappropriately. Being kind to others might mean being honest about whether we want to do something for someone.  For example, I have had several clients who were total people pleasers.  They ran themselves ragged at work because they didn’t want to say no to their co-workers or bosses. They didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or disappoint anyone.  I’ve seen people do this with their families too.  Parents run themselves ragged taking kids to too many activities rather than telling them they’ll have to choose one or two.  Spouses sometimes take on too much responsibility for household chores.  Sometimes teenagers have trouble approaching parents about things they feel are unfair.  They grin and bear it until they get overloaded and then either fall apart or have an oversized emotional reaction.

So sometimes being kind means saying “No”, or letting someone know we disagree.  It’s important to find ways to be honest with people you care about, and sometimes with those you don’t care so much about.  We have to be kind to ourselves too and sometimes this means standing up for what we believe rather than just going along to get along.  

How to Get Better at Saying NO

Practice the wording or phrasing for how you want to assert yourself.  You can disagree or say “No” while still showing kindness in the way you talk to people.  It might be as simple as saying, “Do you mind if I tell you what I’m thinking about that?”   I’ve noticed that telling people the thoughts you’re having about something rather than directly disagreeing with them makes it easier for me to voice my concerns and also makes it easier for them to hear it.  People seem more willing to hear your thoughts when you express it this way.  Start with something small that’s not such a big deal.  Try out your wording on something such as disagreeing over where to go for dinner.  Then try to judge whether your wording was effective in being honest and kind at the same time.  You’ll usually know by the way the other person responds.  Do they stop and listen to what you say and comment on it, or do they seem defensive?

Learning to be more comfortable disagreeing with people is a good tool to have at your disposal.  If done right, you can solve problems, get along better with people, and have more authentic relationships with others.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan and Ada, Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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It’s hard for some people to say “No” because they don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, don’t like to make waves, or don’t like conflict.  In turn, the people who end up asking them to do things for them often don’t realize they are putting them in an imposition.  Other times, it may be a boss who makes you their go-to person for extra work because they know other people will make a fuss, but you won’t.  You end up with the crappy jobs that no one else wants.

Another situation where some people have trouble saying “no “is when it’s time to register a complaint with a spouse.  You may not want to cause tension or hurt their feelings so you keep your feelings bottled up instead of hashing them out.  Some people have a family history of avoiding conflict because of the dynamics of their family of origin.  I was definitely this way myself, so as a young man I avoided confrontations of even the smallest kind rather than pushing back and advocating for myself. I had to learn how to get comfortable with what felt like conflict.  The problem was, as an agreeable person who prefers harmony in relationships, how could I let people know I was irritated or hurt by their words or actions.  I had to try some things out and see what worked.  

I developed a few strategies that may help you. For me, properly “couching” things was the first step.  I wanted to bring up my concerns in as diplomatic a way as possible.  So one of my strategies is this:  When someone does something that I find myself hurt or offended by and need to talk about it, I start by saying, “There’s been something on my mind that happened between us and I realized I’ve been irritated about it and it doesn’t seem fair to you for me to be mad about something that I don’t even talk to you about.  Do you mind if I tell you what’s been bothering me?”  This usually goes pretty well.  Remember, it’s not really that the other person can’t handle the conflict; I’m dealing with my own discomfort of bringing something up.  This wording works to make me feel like I’m being diplomatic about it and easing into it gently, which makes it easier to bring up.

This approach also works well in work situations.  If you’re feeling overwhelmed, overworked, and under appreciated at work, you might have a conversation with your boss starting with, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with my work tasks lately and feel like I’m not doing the quality of work that I usually do.  I’m worried my attitude might be getting difficult and I don’t want it to affect the company or my department.  Can I talk to you about what’s been going on to see if you have some ideas I haven’t considered yet?”

This may sound absurd to people who are comfortable being direct and just telling people when they’re irritated but for those of you who struggle with it like I do, it can be a game changer.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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But when it’s with our spouse, there’s a tendency to think, “I have to live with this person so I’m not going to tolerate behavior I don’t like”.  We tend to get demanding, overly critical, or demeaning to people we live with and then wonder why we don’t have good relationships.

I sometimes watch couples interrupt each other, speak harshly to each other, bring up the distant past, and fail to say anything positive to each other, yet tell me their coworkers, and customers love them.  Obviously, they are doing something different at work that they don’t do at home.

This isn’t a new idea.  It’s been said in the past that we tend to treat strangers better than our own families and friends.  So what if you made the attempt to treat your spouse like a coworker that you need to find a way to get along with because your livelihood depends on it.  Perhaps it will give you insight into things you could do differently, or things you really need to stop doing.

What if you conducted yourself as if your spouse was a coworker and your boss was present.  It might not change anything, then again, it might.  

Something else that has helped me get along with coworkers in the past is finding out what they’re passionate about.  I was able to shift their bad mood by engaging them in conversations about things they were interested in.  I recall one coworker who seemed constantly irritated by her work responsibilities.  This made it harder to talk to her about upcoming projects, especially when I was making a request that was going to change her schedule or inconvenience her in some way. I then learned that she and her husband collected vintage toys as a hobby.  If I brought this up during lunch and got her talking about her interests, I could watch her mood shift for the better, which made later discussions about work much more pleasant for both of us.

Along these lines, when is the last time you engaged in a pleasant conversation with your spouse about something they are interested in?  When’s the last time you gave them a sincere compliment.  Making a point to do these things more frequently than asking them to do something for you helps a lot.  Think of it as a bank account,  you want to put more in than you are taking out so your balance stays healthy.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Johnny Depp and Amber Heard: Ineffective Communication

During their more sober recorded conversations, I see Johnny as trying to reason with her and come to some conclusions or resolve the argument.  This is a common mistake many people make when arguing with someone who is being unreasonable.  I often tell my clients not to argue with  a drunk.  I mean this both literally and figuratively.  Once you realize you’re interacting with someone who only wants the argument itself, or is not responding to logical attempts to reason out the disagreement, it’s time to just put up healthy boundaries.  You generally won’t get anywhere by trying to explain why you’re leaving the interaction. That will often only lead to more arguing as they manipulate you into “staying” in the discussion.

Dealing with Personality Disorders

People with certain personality disorders (in fact, perhaps all personality disorders) tend toward emotional manipulation.  Sometimes this is to keep you from leaving and sometimes it’s to avoid taking personal responsibility for their actions.

In the recorded interactions between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, there were times when Johnny was explaining why he wanted to go to separate corners.  Explaining didn’t work,  Amber tried to manipulate him into staying rather than agree to separate places to cool off.  

When trying to reason with someone who isn’t reasonable, respect your boundaries and quickly but firmly leave the situation.  Sometimes we have to teach people how to respect us by respecting ourselves first. We often talk too much or talk past the point when it’s useful. I often tell my clients, whether in marriage counseling or individual counseling about the importance of healthy boundaries. Boundaries refer to not letting yourself be abused, mistreated, or allowing someone to manipulate you into giving up your values or getting out of character.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Why Do I Tell Couples to Start Arguments?

  When you’re under stress, you don’t often have the capacity to think the same way you do when you’re relaxed.  Your higher level thinking goes right out the window.  Have you even been under a lot of stress and yelled at your kids or spouse, then regretted your behavior afterwards.  This is an example of what I’m talking about.  You may have every intention of controlling your emotions and words, but you will likely fall back on old behaviors when you’re in an emotional situation.  To handle yourself the way you want when in these situations, you have to practice the skills when you’re calm. 

You also have to practice a lot so the new behavior becomes second nature.  This is why I tell couples to start arguments with each other.  But first, we work out how they want the arguments to go so they they are productive.  We start by discussing how each person can safely bring up a contentious matter without upsetting the other person.  We ask each person, “if your spouse wants to bring something up with you, how exactly should they say it?”.  “Is there a time of day or a location that seems more appropriate?”  We also talk about what their response should be to let the other know they get it and will cooperate with the “practice” argument.

The next step might be to use active listening to make sure the rest of the argument goes well.  Once we lay out the guidelines for a “good” argument, I suggest that couples find an opportunity to try it out right away.  This usually means one of them has to create an “argument” over something simple, or even fun.  So they might start an argument over which restaurant to go to.  If you start an argument with your partner shortly after you’ve discussed how to have a healthy argument, they are more likely to work with you in practicing the new skills. 

It’s important to practice new skills before you really need them.  For example, if you get a new car, it’s a good idea to learn how to use the jack properly before you really need it.   Practice what you want to do when the stakes are low.  Then practice some more.  Have fun with it at first by arguing over something kind of silly.  Then try it with something that’s a little more serious but not urgent.  Soon, you’ll be able to use these same skills when things could otherwise get emotional.

When you practice having a good argument with your partner, you become comfortable with that routine and will develop more comfort and trust when bringing up more serious issues.  You should find your arguments are more like discussions than actual arguments.  

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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I often provide counseling for men and women individually. I get to hear a lot of their concerns and complaints about what happens when their relationships go sour. Both sexes seem to have their own set of grievances. And in my counseling for men, there are some things that come up quite frequently. Here are five of the things you should stop doing to your husband if you want the relationship to stay strong.

1. Stop calling him only when you need something or want him to stop on his way home to get something. You can do this on occasion but if the only reason you call is to give him a job to do, he’ll start resenting it. Seeing your name pop up on his phone will because a source of dread, not joy. He might even stop picking up your calls because he doesn’t want another chore. Make a point to call him just to say hi, and see how his day is going.
2. Stop talking during the game or when he is busy. Save it for later. I recently sat next to a couple at my son’s soccer game. The dad clearly wanted to watch the game but his wife seemed intent on doing anything but watching the game. She also seemed intent on not letting her husband enjoy the game either. She talked nonstop about the most inane topics imaginable. The guy tried to be polite while she talked at the side of his head for the first half of the game. He finally got smart and handed her a sucker which kept her occupied and the talking stopped. So, two lessons her: Don’t talk during the game and when you do talk, make sure it’s worthy of the other person’s time.
3. Stop complaining about stuff your husband can’t do anything about. If you tell him you’re cold at the grocery store, it sounds like you expect him to do something about it. If there’s nothing that can be done about it, what’s the point of going on about it. Men get tired of hearing complaints about things they can’t fix. If you’re cold, put on a jacket.
4. Stop complaining in general. I’ve talked to lots of men who tried to do nice things for their wives and regretted it almost instantly. One man spent hours cleaning house while his wife was gone and thought she’d be pleased when she got home. When she did come home, her first comment wasn’t “Wow, the house looks great!”, it was “Why didn’t you put the vacuum away when you were done?” If you’re going to look for things to criticize when your husband tries to go above and beyond to help out, you have yourself to blame when he stops doing those things. When you notice your husband doing things you want him to do, acknowledge the effort and keep criticisms to yourself.
5. Stop asking his opinion on things and then doing the opposite anyway. This gets really annoying for men. You ask whether he thinks you should go with choice A or choice B. He picks choice B, then you say, “I think I’ll just go with choice A”. This basically says that not only do you not care what he thinks, but you’re willing to go out of your way to let him know you don’t care what he thinks.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for men, women, couples, teenagers.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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When I see this happen in marriage counseling, the two people quickly reach the point of not even trying to understand eachother.  Once you’re at this point, you can forget about reaching any resolution to your problem.

Try to set feelings aside and understand what they are saying, even if you don’t agree with it. For example, I really don’t like RAP music but if I listen to someone explain why they like it, their reasons will probably make sense to me.  I’m not going to start listening to RAP, but I could better understand why some people do.  

To do this, you have to really focus on what they’re saying first, before worrying about making your counter argument.  If you do this, you’ll stop listening and frustrate the other person.

When people aren’t feeling heard or understood, they get frustrated and angry.  This is when the yelling and hurtful comments can start.  Once they are done talking, you can even say you want to paraphrase it back to them.  You can say something like, “Let me repeat that back to you to make sure I got that right.  You said …. Did I understand you right?”. Try not to sound like a therapist when you do this though or you’ll just annoy them.  If you got everything right, they’ll let you know.  If you missed something, they’ll add that in.

Once you do this, they’ll be much more inclined to listen to you in return.  Now you should be at the point of having a conversation instead of an argument. This is a healthier form of communication.

Sometimes it’s best to take some time to think about what they said before you respond.  You can just say something like, “You may have a point, let me think about that for a bit and get back to you.  Can we talk about it some more tonight?”

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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People Engage in Behavior that Works

In my Grand Rapids counseling practice, I work with people who are frustrated with not being treated with respect.  This could be a mother being disrespected by their teenage son, a husband who is being treated poorly by his wife, or someone who is being steamrolled by a boss or coworker.

One of the things we do is start with learning how to say “No” effectively and mean it.  This may mean strengthening your self-esteem and practicing specific ways to say “no” to people that fit your personality.  It often means learning how to effectively establish boundaries with people.  

Why People Treat You with Disrespect

For the most part, we all perform behaviors repeatedly because those behaviors work for us.  When our behaviors get us something we want, we will repeat the behavior.  In fact, it would be silly not to repeat a behavior that works for us.  So, if I have learned that taking advantage of your kindness gets you to do something for me, I will keep doing it.  It is only when that doesn’t work that I will do something else.  

Let’s say your teenage son learns he can ignore your threats to punish him for being disrespectful because nothing actually happens. He still gets to do the thing he wanted with no consequences.  He will continue to get comfortable doing this and do it more often.  So, create a reasonable negative consequence for this behavior that you apply consistently. He will learn that his behavior no longer gets him what he wants and will learn to adapt his behavior.

Here’s another example, let’s say your significant other belittles you when you are with friends.  They may be getting laughs from others or feel superior while doing this. But this only works if you stay around to be belittled.  If you end the conversation or leave when they start belittling you, they learn that if they want you to stick around they have to at least not treat you with disrespect.  For example,  I sometimes advise my adult clients to politely but firmly end conversations with their parent when they start being negative.  When they do this consistently, how quickly the parent learns to be more respectful in how they speak.

Taking Away the Benefits of Disrespect

If you are dealing with someone who treats you with disrespect, think about what gains their behavior gets them. See if you can change the outcome so that the disrespect does not work for them anymore.  However, be aware not to be disrespectful yourself or they may benefit from pointing out how rude you are being.  

If you’d like help getting others to treat you with respect, contact me to discuss how Solution Focused Therapy can help.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Counseling for Anxiety is one of the main things that therapists provide. So the good news is that if you have anxiety, you’re in good company. There are many different strategies that help with anxiety. Below, I will discuss one of the strategies.

Anxiety as a Mental Construct

Anxiety often comes about because of our thought processes. These negative thoughts then send signals to that part of our brain in charge of fight or flight. This in turn can lead to physical symptoms of anxiety such as chills, hot flashes, shaking, etc. Our brain picks up on an uncertainty or fear which can cause or increase the feelings of panic.

I work with a lot of clients who struggle with anxiety in my Grand Rapids, MI office. I work from a solution focused therapy approach which means rather than focus on what is causing the anxiety, I help you determine how you want to react to anxiety-provoking situations in the future.

How to Reduce Anxiety:

You can’t be relaxed and anxious at the same time. We focus then on how to build up your confidence by starting with small changes. When you’re confident, you’re relaxed. I’ll have you think about and describe what you will look like when you are confident (rather than anxious). I’ll ask you to describe how you will stand, sit, walk, etc. Once you have this in mind, I’ll suggest you pick some opportune times to practice this. It may be just when you walk into a classroom or your work place.

Next we might talk about what other things you’ll be doing when you are a confident person. Perhaps you have anxiety when you walk into a grocery store. We’ll have you visualize what the smallest sign of confidence will be when you walk into the store. For some, this might be nodding a greeting to the store greeter. For others, it could be how they go up to the grocery carts and select one.

Starting Small to Overcome Panic Attacks

We don’t try to stop your anxiety all at once. In fact, we don’t worry about stopping it at all. Instead we might have you focus on just noticing when your anxiety is less on some occasions. We might focus some effort on having you predict how much your anxiety will decrease over time. This can also help you focus more on the idea of it decreasing rather than worrying that your anxiety will increase.

For example, if you have to do public speaking in a class or for work, I may ask you to consider how you will notice that you were just a little bit less nervous the next time you have to speak. You may notice that you started off being nervous, but calmed down and found your regular speaking voice a little bit sooner. Focusing on these small but noticeable changes will help you keep going in the right direction.

Counseling for Anxiety can be relatively painless. It just takes some attention to the way you want to be instead. If you live in the Grand Rapids, MI area and would like to try Solution Focused Counseling, then give me a call. I’ll be glad to help.

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I was meeting with a couple today for marriage counseling and they told me a story that I thought had an amazingly good strategy. They gave me permission to share this idea in my blogpost (of course I won’t be giving identifying information as to protect their privacy).

A Common Communication Problem

In this situation, as with many couples, the wife usually does the planning for special occasions. Most of the time she doesn’t mind but sometimes she feels taken for granted and would like him to plan for things. So last week, she asked him if he would plan a date for the weekend and he agreed. Knowing him the way she does, about Wednesday she started wondering if he had forgotten because he hadn’t said anything about plans.

Stopping to Think Before You Act

She started feeling angry thinking to herself that, yet again, he had forgotten. This made her feel he didn’t care that much. Her love language is “Tokens of Affection” for those who follow “The Five Love Languages” book by Gary Chapman. So having him thinking about a date and taking time to plan things meant a lot to her. She was thinking about not saying anything to remind him about his promise. This would sort of be setting a trap for him on Friday when he had to admit he had forgotten. Fortunately for them both, she had a better idea.

The Solution:

Instead of letting it go until it was too late, she decided to take this approach. She sent him a text saying that she was looking forward to the date he was planning for the weekend. He responded by admitting he had forgotten, but her gentle but insistent reminder prompted him to take time to plan a really enjoyable date.

She decided not to give in to her initial response that would allow her to basically say “I told you so” and rub his forgetfulness in his face. She realized that response wouldn’t help the relationship. Instead she reminded him in a way that allowed him to save face and follow through with his promise, which was a better turnout for both of them.

Communication in marriage takes a lot of work, patience, and a desire to keep negative things from intruding on the relationship. This couple showed an excellent example of effective communication in marriage that works. As a result, they had a great weekend which could have turned out very differently if the wife had went along with her initial impulses.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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