It’s hard for some people to say “No” because they don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, don’t like to make waves, or don’t like conflict.  In turn, the people who end up asking them to do things for them often don’t realize they are putting them in an imposition.  Other times, it may be a boss who makes you their go-to person for extra work because they know other people will make a fuss, but you won’t.  You end up with the crappy jobs that no one else wants.

Another situation where some people have trouble saying “no “is when it’s time to register a complaint with a spouse.  You may not want to cause tension or hurt their feelings so you keep your feelings bottled up instead of hashing them out.  Some people have a family history of avoiding conflict because of the dynamics of their family of origin.  I was definitely this way myself, so as a young man I avoided confrontations of even the smallest kind rather than pushing back and advocating for myself. I had to learn how to get comfortable with what felt like conflict.  The problem was, as an agreeable person who prefers harmony in relationships, how could I let people know I was irritated or hurt by their words or actions.  I had to try some things out and see what worked.  

I developed a few strategies that may help you. For me, properly “couching” things was the first step.  I wanted to bring up my concerns in as diplomatic a way as possible.  So one of my strategies is this:  When someone does something that I find myself hurt or offended by and need to talk about it, I start by saying, “There’s been something on my mind that happened between us and I realized I’ve been irritated about it and it doesn’t seem fair to you for me to be mad about something that I don’t even talk to you about.  Do you mind if I tell you what’s been bothering me?”  This usually goes pretty well.  Remember, it’s not really that the other person can’t handle the conflict; I’m dealing with my own discomfort of bringing something up.  This wording works to make me feel like I’m being diplomatic about it and easing into it gently, which makes it easier to bring up.

This approach also works well in work situations.  If you’re feeling overwhelmed, overworked, and under appreciated at work, you might have a conversation with your boss starting with, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with my work tasks lately and feel like I’m not doing the quality of work that I usually do.  I’m worried my attitude might be getting difficult and I don’t want it to affect the company or my department.  Can I talk to you about what’s been going on to see if you have some ideas I haven’t considered yet?”

This may sound absurd to people who are comfortable being direct and just telling people when they’re irritated but for those of you who struggle with it like I do, it can be a game changer.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

The post How to Say “No” When You Need To. appeared first on Turnabout Counseling.

I recently worked with a manager of a company who was a valued team member but was letting the stress of the job interfere with working relationships between himself and subordinates.  He was developing a temper that was starting to affect other people at the office.  This was due to having taken on extra work when someone quit unexpectedly.  The company was taking a while to find a qualified replacement.   A solution focused approach to counseling helped him figure out successful ways to deal with the stress and communicate better with coworkers, which eased his stress and things at work soon got back to normal.

What affects your employees may be more personal than work stress.   They may be going through a divorce or other crisis.  Quite often, employees are reluctant to get counseling for problems and try to tough it out on their own—especially men.  They feel responsible to show up for work or are afraid to take time off work to address their personal mental health.  They often don’t realize they are not functioning at their usual efficiency. Or, they just hope it goes unnoticed until they get through whatever it is they are going through.  

Suggesting counseling for an employee can be useful by le them know you’ve noticed a change and suggest they try counseling.  You may already have an employee assistance program in place so your employees can get help.  If not, it may make sense to develop a relationship with some outside therapists so you can refer to them.  Your employees might be receptive to contacting a therapist if you suggest it. Let them know you are okay with them taking time off work to address the concern.  It may be the push they need to get help sooner rather than later.  It also helps if you can recommend a therapist or a group practice that you can recommend personally. 

What Therapists Should You Refer To?

You may want to call some therapists and learn about how they work. Or meet some therapists for coffee to learn how they work and what problems they prefer to work with.  A therapist should be able to describe how they work and how they help their clients in therapy.  And they should be able to explain it in a way that makes sense to you. 

 The counselor should also be someone you would consider working with yourself if you were looking for a counselor.   Your employees won’t stay with a counselor who turns them off in some way or can’t make a connection.   Many counselors describe themselves as eclectic. However, I prefer therapists who are grounded in one main theory.  Having one primary theory gives therapists a mental compass to refer to and get back on track if a session gets off track.   Working from several theories can be ineffective.

Supporting your employees in making use of Employee Assistance Services or seeking outside counseling will help them come to work with a clearer head. Employees get some relief from their personal problems that will help them stay focused at work.  Stay in touch with them about whether they find the counseling useful. This helps you decide if that counselor could be kept as a contact for future needs.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

The post Counseling For An Employee? appeared first on Turnabout Counseling.