I listened to a podcast this morning about being needed. It described how people who don’t feel useful often get depressed. This can even lead to suicide or early death for some.  For example, when men retire and don’t have enough to do, they often lose their sense of purpose. Their health sometimes suffers as a result.  For some people, if they don’t feel they matter to someone, they wonder “would anyone even notice if I wasn’t around anymore?”.  

Where Else Does It Apply?

I had a conversation with a highschool coach about handling kids that would normally sit the bench during most games.  My opinion is it’s better to cut a player than put them on the team and not let them play in games.  I’ve seen kids lose their passion for the game when this happens faster than if they were cut.  He agreed. When he coaches, he looks at what each kid is skilled at, even if small compared to other players. This coach finds a way to bring out that skill in players and consider when he’s going to need it during a game.  He would make a point to help the player develop their particular skill and  put them in when it was needed.  This helps the player  have a sense of purpose.  And  it helps the team overall.  It also helps build team cohesion.

Need for Purpose and Parenting

All this made me wonder if parents could do the same thing with kids.  What if we make each kid aware they serve a useful purpose within the family so they feel needed.  This could  be something like certain chores, taking care of pets, babysitting, running errands, and so on.

Gary Watson provides Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan and Ada, Michigan.  He counsels couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Is there some significance to our dreams?  Actually, yes.  However, from my experience dreams are not about wish fulfillment as Freud postulated.  Our dreams represent an unconscious attempt to work on concerns we are having at the present time. 

One of my clients has been having nightmares lately after a stressful life event. The fact that he kept having nightmares with the same themes was becoming distressing on its own. We decided to try to do some dream analysis to try to understand what the dream was really about so he could put it aside and stop stressing about it. Doing this work made me want to write an article about it, so here goes.

Why Do We Dream?

When we are stressed, our brains tend to work on the problem even during sleep.  Sometimes we will dream about something rather ordinary that doesn’t have any big meaning other than representing our mind continuing to think about an event that happened.  Other times, and especially if we have a dream that repeats, such as a nightmare, it is our brain’s way of processing an event to make sense of something that happened.  Quite often, when the issue is resolved in real life, the dream goes away as well.

What Do Dreams Mean?

Much of our dream content is symbolic so if you want to understand the meaning of your dream, think about the imagery in the dream– objects, colors, places, people and figures in the dream often represent specific things that have unique meaning to us.   Sometimes the symbolism can be from something we are not even consciously aware of.  For example, when I was a child, my parents had been arguing a lot and it was very distressing for me.  I had a nightmare where I was surrounded by hundreds of scorpions and crabs.  I later learned that the crab and scorpion were my parents’ astrological signs, but I couldn’t have told you what their signs were if you had asked me at that time of the dream. Somehow, I knew this information unconsciously.

Quite often our dreams include shadowy figures who seem faceless, sometimes it could seem like a monster of some sort, chasing us.  Often, these figures don’t represent a specific person, but perhaps a situation we are dealing with at the time.  When we dream about specific people, the dream isn’t necessarily about that person but what they represent to us in our life.  For example, dreaming about your ex boyfriend may not be about them specifically, it may represent relationships in general and something you’re trying to understand about them.

What Can I Do with Dreams?

I’ve had clients who have nightmares (sometimes called anxiety dreams) that have the same theme to them, but often the content is quite similar from one dream to the next.  Although I’m no expert on dream analysis (are there any experts on this?), it can be useful to talk about the dream and do a little free association about the various things represented in the dream.  For example, one woman’s dream included a horse that was being neglected in a pasture.  She loved horses in real life.  When asked what color the horse was, it was brown.  This woman had long brown hair.  She came to realize the horse represented herself and that she was feeling abandoned or neglected in real life.  

Another person had a dream when they were a child that they were in a small rowboat in the middle of the ocean, on a stormy night.  Their mother was in the boat but they were the one doing the rowing.  In the dream, they stopped the boat and had to get out a huge ship’s anchor and throw it overboard while their mother sat in the back of the boat silently and not doing anything.  The dream went on but there was a lot of symbolism in the dream.  We talked about the possible representation of being on the ocean. Why was the child rowing and not the mother? What did the mother represent? Why was the anchor so large and what was the meaning of the child having to lift the anchor by themselves?  Lots of things to unpack in that dream.

Sometimes, there is action or inaction in our dreams.  We are running away from something, falling, flying, sinking, etc.  We’ve all had dreams about finding ourselves in class and then remember it’s final exam day and we forgot to study for it.  These dreams can represent a feeling of powerlessness we are feeling about a current situation.

How Do I Analyze My Dream Content?

One useful thing that can come from dreams is they can highlight something we’ve been struggling with in real life.  When we realize something has been weighing on us so heavily that we even dream about it, we can pay more attention to it in our waking hours.  For example, maybe you keep having a dream about running away from monsters but your feet are like cement. It may be you’re feeling overwhelmed about a situation and feeling you have little power to change things.  You might start to realize there is more you can do about it than you at first thought.

One problem with dreams is that they often fade from conscious thought rapidly once we wake up.  Keep a journal next to your bed. Write down as many details as you can when you first wake up.  The more you write, you’ll  remember other details from the dream.  Take each significant item from the dream and write down what thoughts come to mind when you think about it. 

For example, dreaming about a bee scaring you might make you think about the bright colors red and yellow.  Thinking about those colors might make you think of caution signs that are always those same bright colors.  You might decide the bee was meant to bring your attention to what was happening in the dream at that moment.  Dreaming about your childhood home could call to mind happier times, or perhaps stressful times, maybe something else.

Usually, when you hit on the correct meaning of dream items, you’ll experience a kind of “eureka” moment. If you do this enough, you may get some meaning that is useful to apply to your real life.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan and Ada, Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Putting in effort matters in your mental health. Whether you have anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, or something else. To feel good about yourself, about who you are, or where you are going, put in real effort.

I counsel people who are dissatisfied their jobs, social situation, relationships, or maybe their body or personalities. Quite often, people feel worthless but don’t actually do anything to make themselves more worthy. You can change these things for the better, but only with effort. Magical thinking doesn’t change it, telling yourself you’re a warrior, boss, alpha, etc. won’t turn you into one either. You have to start and actually do the work. The good news is there are some life hacks (behavioral hacks) to get help you start. You’d be surprised at how little effort it takes to become a better person. Notice I said become a better person, not think you’re a better person.

Tired of Being Anxious or Depressed?

If you’re tired of being anxious or depressed, boost your mental state just by getting up and doing something. You have to muster the effort to get out of the chair, off the couch, put your phone down, and start doing things that make a difference. Sometimes the smallest effort such as washing dishes, tidying up a room, or getting outside and going for a short walk is a great start to strengthening your mental health. If you do this, it’s probably a little more than you did yesterday. Start there and add something to it the next time, walk a little farther, clean a little more, read one more page of the book.

If you’re like me, you feel better on days you’re productive and getting things done than on days you “play” but don’t accomplish much. On days I don’t accomplish much, I go to bed thinking of the things I neglected to do. On the other hand, on days I get a lot done, I feel satisfied with myself and look forward to relaxing the next day because I’ve earned it.

Being Productive Improves Mental Health

I’ve seen this same effect with other people. I’ll use my son as an example. I make a point to have my son take on more responsibility around the house. Earlier this Spring I had him split some firewood for me. He went outside grumbling because it meant his video game was interrupted. It took him about 30 minutes to split the wood. When he walked back inside, he walked noticeably straighter and with more swagger. He put in the effort to do something hard and felt better for it afterward. More recently, I had him help me with some yard work. I gave him the more manly task of cutting down some saplings with a machete, which he did. Then on his own, he started pulling some bigger weeds in part of the front yard. When I told him he could take a break if he wanted, he declined. He said he was enjoying seeing the progress he was making. He felt good because he got stuff done and saw the progress.

If you want better mental health, try making improvements to yourself. There are no shortcuts. You have to expend effort. This can be mental or physical effort. It’s okay to start small and work your way up. First, figure out what you want to improve. Consider learning to do something new like play an instrument or learn to cook. I have clients who want to get in better shape so they are designing exercise regimens. The key though is to start really small with about one to three percent of where you want to end up.

Start Small for Better Results

For example, if you want to learn more by reading books, don’t try to read a whole book all at once. Start by reading one page a day and gradually add more pages per day. If you want to start exercising, you might need to start with two pushups in the morning before work or school, then gradually increase. And there are scientific reasons for doing this. I’ll explain below.

Pushing yourself to do too much too soon can burn you out quickly. You’re relying on sheer will power to do it and willpower doesn’t last. Doing too much too soon can lead to failing to reach a goal. This usually hurts your mental health. In addition, if you force yourself to do something like practice piano for too long at one sitting, your brain will register this as something unenjoyable and our brains don’t like to do things that we don’t enjoy. You can only force yourself for so long. We change best by enjoying the changes we make. This usually means starting small and slowly increasing the effort.

Even Things You Don’t Like

Even things we don’t like to do, such as homework, can be enjoyable for short periods of time (maybe only for 30 seconds). This is because we enjoy being productive more than enjoy the task itself. When you start the thing you want to get good at, start with small increments of it, and stop while it still feels good. Your brain registers this as a good thing that should be repeated. This makes it much easier to do again the next day. In essence, by doing the new thing and stopping while it still feels good, we develop a craving to do it some more, which means we’re looking forward to doing it at the next opportunity, rather than being glad the hard effort is over and dreading having to do it again.

There is a good book that explains this in detail called “Tiny Habits” by B.J. Fogg if you want more information and specific ideas.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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I thought about it for a few minutes before responding to his dilemma.  Although it’s hard to make mistakes and feel the embarrassment of them, it’s an important life lesson to own your mistakes and learn to be better.  If you can’t admit when you make a mistake you’re just failing to take accountability for yourself.  It’s a fool who can’t admit they make mistakes or screw things up on occasion because you still know you did it and so do the people who are involved. 

So with my son, he walked me through what went wrong, how he made an error in judgement and what he thought he could do to prevent it from happening again.  We talked about how to approach his teammates who got on his case about his mistake.  For example, he could admit it didn’t go well and ask them what he should do differently.  He might get some good advice and learn something.

We also went over events that resulted in the mistake.  For example, the coach had him play defender, which he hadn’t played before.  He misread cues from the goalie since he’d never had to do that before.  These are reasons for the mistake, not excuses.  Doing this is about figuring out how the mistake happened and it can help you feel better, but it doesn’t mean you didn’t  make the mistake.  He came up with a plan to talk to the goalie at the next practice so they both know what to do in future games.  

It takes courage to admit you’re wrong but it also builds integrity and honor.  It’s impossible to go through life without making mistakes, some of them downright embarrassing.  But to earn and keep your self-respect and the respect of others, you have to deal with them.  This means sitting with that feeling of feeling like an idiot for a while, but then brushing yourself off and trying to fix it.

I provide a lot of counseling for teenagers and young men and women and this is often one of the topics we address. How to develop self respect and earn the respect of others. How to conduct yourself at work, school, and in relationships. They are relatively easy lessons to understand yet few of us put them into practice. Even many of my fellow clinicians placate their clients by telling them their life choices weren’t their fault. They tell their clients their problems are caused by society or those “other” people. They say people should just accept you the way you are and if they don’t then there’s something wrong with them. Sometimes this is true, but most times if you want to find the person responsible for your misfortune, just look in the closest mirror. But that’s not so bad because it’s a lot easier to better yourself than to fix someone else.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Is My Teenager Depressed?

Some of the common behavior changes parents tend to see is withdrawal from the family—often keeping to themselves instead of spending time with family.    They can lose interest in activities they used to enjoy.  They may stop spending time with their usual friends.  Your teenager may also spend too much time sleeping or show changes in appetite.   Depressed teenagers often show signs of secrecy, keeping more things from parents or showing signs of evasion.    An obvious sign of depression is cutting.  If you notice small cuts on your teenagers arms, legs, or torso, or notice blood on bedsheets and pillow cases, it could be a sign of teenage cutting.

There are lots of things that can cause depression for teenagers. It can be a loss of a family member, loss of a friendship or boyfriend or girlfriend, changes in family such as divorce, worry about parents due to things such as job loss and potential homelessness.  Many teenagers worry about their grades and their future career options.  These are just a few things that can cause depression in teens.

What To Do

If your teenager seems depressed, never take it lightly and don’t assume that they will just snap out of it.  Doing this could end in disaster.  If you think your teen is depressed, seek counseling as soon as possible.  Even if your teenager is angry with you about counseling, explain to them that you’d rather have them alive and angry than dead.  I’ve had this conversation with several teens over the years.  

Many teens who come to counseling are not overly happy to be there.  However, they are often appreciative that their parents care enough about them to get them into counseling even if they don’t want to do counseling.  Oftentimes, my teenage clients only have one goal—to not have to come to counseling anymore.  That’s a perfectly fine goal to work with for counseling because the counselor can them help them do the things their parents need to see happen in order to be comfortable ending counseling.  In the process of meeting this goal, they usually end up finding other goals they do want to work on.  Usually once they start counseling, they become more comfortable talking to the counselor and are no longer reluctant to do counseling.  

Counseling for Teenagers

Quite often, one of the first things parents need to see from depressed teenagers is for them to come out of their bedrooms and participate with the family more often, or talk more about their day with parents.  There can be some negotiations with parents about giving them some amount of privacy during these conversations such as parents not asking too many questions.  Teens are often more agreeable to talking to parents about their days when they feel safe they won’t be “interrogated” by parents with 20 or 30 questions when they give some personal information.  This is a good start.

If you are asking yourself whether your teenager is depressed”?, feel free to contact me to start counseling or just ask questions.  

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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One Cause of Depression

Many of my younger clients become depressed because they don’t know what they want to do with their lives. They talk about nothing motivating them and so they often just “hang out” or play video games. This can lead to more depression because they know they didn’t do anything that day to improve their situation.

One of my male clients in his early twenties told me that he hates it when his dad has friends over because the conversation inevitably turns to them asking him, “what he’s doing these days?” meaning, “what job do you have now?” He hates the fact that the honest answer is “nothing”. Generally speaking, men do best when they have goals they are working towards that lead to meaningful success in life. The goal can be self improvement such as learning something new, whether or not it applies to a career or not. Sometimes a useful goal can be as simple as getting better and cleaning, organizing, and maintaining your bedroom, apartment, or house.

Strategies to Reduce Depression

Many of my clients who struggle to gain a sense of direction or purpose, and want to reduce depression find that just making themselves get out of bed, off the couch, and turn off the video games is a good start. When they make themselves start chores, check off things on a to-do list, and tackle small jobs or obstacles, they find it builds their sense of agency and they are more interested and motivated to do other productive things such as look for work, fill out college applications, etc.

If you are struggling with life direction and want to reduce depression, you might try some of these tips too. Start with making your bed every morning and staightening up your living area. Start one small job or chore each morning. Pay attention to whether “getting things done” makes a difference in your overall mood at the end of the day. If you notice a positive difference, you know this is a tool that can work for you.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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