At the end of the day, when everything goes quiet, a simple question arises: Was today meaningful? Not just busy or productive—but meaningful. For men struggling to find direction, this question can be a wake-up call. One of the most powerful ways to start living intentionally is to reflect on your actions from the perspective of looking back on your day. Below, I’ll discuss one of the daily habits to live a meaningful life.

Imagine it’s 10 p.m. You’re reflecting. What would you wish you had done differently?

This isn’t abstract philosophy—it’s a practical approach rooted in psychology and behavioral science. It aligns with Viktor Frankl’s ideas about finding meaning and James Clear’s insights on identity-based habits in Atomic Habits. By focusing on daily habits to live a meaningful life, men can begin to close the gap between intention and action, and reduce feelings of aimlessness or regret.

Why Reflecting on Your Day Helps You Live Meaningfully

Viktor Frankl emphasized that life’s primary drive is the search for meaning. He argued that we don’t ask what we expect from life—life asks what it expects from us. Each day presents small opportunities to answer that question through our actions.

By mentally fast-forwarding to the end of your day, you engage in what psychologists call counterfactual thinking: imagining alternative outcomes. Research shows that people regret what they didn’t do more than what they did. Avoidance, hesitation, and distraction are often the real sources of regret.

So when you ask in the morning—or even midday, What will I regret not doing today?—you begin to prioritize differently. Suddenly:

• Scrolling through your phone feels less appealing
• Avoiding difficult conversations feels heavier
• Delaying meaningful work or growth feels costly

This simple reflection helps men align their daily habits to their values—without creating unnecessary pressure.

Identity and Daily Habits: Insights from Atomic Habits

James Clear’s Atomic Habits teaches that lasting change comes from focusing on identity, not just goals. Instead of asking, What do I want to achieve? consider, Who do I want to become?

For men seeking direction, this approach is vital. At night, regret often sounds like:

• “I didn’t act like the man I want to be.”
• “I avoided what truly mattered.”
• “I chose comfort over growth.”

These feelings signal a mismatch between identity and actions. Aligning your daily habits to your desired identity is the foundation of a meaningful life.

Practical examples:

• If your identity is “a caring partner,” did you show up emotionally?
• If your identity is “a focused professional,” did you protect your time?
• If your identity is “someone who grows,” did you lean into discomfort?

By consistently practicing daily habits to live a meaningful life, men can reduce regret and feel more purposeful.

How Regret Can Guide Your Daily Choices

Regret isn’t just a negative feeling—it’s feedback. It highlights the gap between your values and your behavior. Often, reflection reveals one of three areas needing attention:

1. Avoidance – Not doing something you knew mattered
2. Disconnection – Not being present with people or experiences
3. Inauthenticity – Acting against your values or identity

Frankl emphasized that meaning can be found through work, relationships, and attitude. Regret signals which area might be neglected. By analyzing these moments, men can use regret as a roadmap to build more intentional daily habits.

A Simple Daily Practice for Men Seeking Direction

To start applying daily habits to live a meaningful life:

Morning (2 minutes):
Ask yourself: At the end of today, what would I regret not doing?
Choose 1–3 meaningful actions for the day.

Evening (5 minutes):
Reflect: Did I act like the person I want to become?
Identify areas of avoidance, disconnection, or misalignment with your values.

This isn’t about perfection—it’s about awareness, growth, and gradually aligning habits with identity.

Take Action Today, Look Back Without Regret

You don’t build a meaningful life in one grand decision. You build it through consistent daily habits. Frankl reminds us that we retain freedom to choose our responses, even under challenging circumstances. Clear shows that these small, intentional actions compound into identity.

For men seeking direction, focusing on daily habits to live a meaningful life can be transformative. When you reflect at the end of each day, ask yourself: When I look back tonight, what will matter? Then take action in a way that makes your answer clear and satisfying.

Gary Watson is a therapist for men and women in the Grand Rapids, Michigan and surrounding areas. He uses solution focused therapy to help those who want to take an active approach to solving problems, improving themselves, and their situation. Men and women who want a practical and forward (not backward) approach to counseling will appreciate Gary’s approach to counseling.

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We all have habits that we wish we could eliminate—whether it’s mindlessly scrolling through social media, snacking late at night, or procrastinating on important tasks. At the core of these behaviors lies a powerful mechanism known as the habit loop, which is composed of three key components: cue, routine, and reward. To effectively break free from a bad habit, it’s essential to understand how this loop works and strategically interrupt it. In my counseling practice, I work with a lot of clients who are trying to eliminate bad habits which get in the way of developing productive habits.

Understanding the Habit Loop

The habit loop begins with a cue, a trigger that initiates the habit. This might be a feeling (boredom, stress), an external signal (a notification, the sight of a snack), or a specific time of day. The cue leads to the routine, the behavior or action you automatically perform in response. Finally, the loop ends with the reward, which reinforces the behavior by providing a sense of satisfaction, relief, or pleasure.

For example, imagine you’re stressed about a work deadline. The stress (cue) triggers a routine of reaching for comfort food, and the temporary relief or pleasure from eating is the reward. Over time, this loop becomes ingrained, making it difficult to stop the cycle.

Why Breaking Habit Loops is Challenging

Habits are deeply rooted in the brain’s basal ganglia, the part responsible for automatic behaviors. This automation saves cognitive effort but also makes habits resistant to change. To break a bad habit, you need to disrupt its loop—either by identifying and addressing the cue, altering the routine, or finding a different reward.

Strategies to Interrupt Habit Loops

1. Identify the Cue
   The first step to breaking a habit is recognizing what triggers it. Spend a few days observing your behavior and note when and where the habit occurs. Ask yourself questions like:
   • What time of day does this happen?
   • How am I feeling when I do this?
   • Are there specific people or environments involved?
   Once you’ve pinpointed the cue, you can work on neutralizing its influence. For instance, if stress triggers overeating, you might explore healthier stress-management techniques, such as deep breathing or journaling.
2. Replace the Routine
   Habits can’t simply be erased; they must be replaced. Instead of focusing on eliminating the behavior entirely, find a healthier or more productive substitute. For example:
   • Replace the habit of reaching for your phone with taking a short walk when you feel bored.Swap out unhealthy snacks for fruit or nuts when you’re craving a mid-afternoon treat.
   The key is to make the new routine satisfying enough to compete with the original one to eliminate bad habits.
3. Reframe the Reward
   Examine what reward your habit is providing and seek alternatives that deliver similar satisfaction. If the habit of checking your phone provides a dopamine hit from notifications, consider engaging in an activity like reading or solving puzzles that stimulates your brain in a similar way.
4. Introduce Friction
   Making bad habits more inconvenient can weaken their hold. For example:
   • Keep junk food out of the house to reduce temptation.
   • Log out of social media accounts to add an extra step before accessing them.
   • Set up physical barriers, such as storing your phone in another room during work hours.
5. Build a Support System
   Breaking a habit is easier with accountability and encouragement. Share your goals with friends or family, or join a group focused on similar objectives. Celebrate small victories to stay motivated.
6. Practice Mindfulness
   Many bad habits operate on autopilot. By practicing mindfulness, you can become more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and triggers. Pause and assess your impulses before acting, which creates space to choose a different response.

Persistence Pays Off

Eliminating bad habits is not an overnight process. It requires patience, self-awareness, and consistent effort. Remember, the goal isn’t perfection but progress. With each interruption of the habit loop, you weaken its hold and pave the way for lasting change.

By understanding the mechanics of habit loops and applying these strategies, you can take control of your behaviors and build a life aligned with your goals and values. Breaking the cycle may be challenging, but it’s a transformative journey well worth the effort.

We all have habits that we wish we could eliminate—whether it’s mindlessly scrolling through social media, snacking late at night, or procrastinating on important tasks. At the core of these behaviors lies a powerful mechanism known as the habit loop, which is composed of three key components: cue, routine, and reward. To effectively break free from a bad habit, it’s essential to understand how this loop works and strategically interrupt it.

Understanding the Habit Loop

The habit loop begins with a cue, a trigger that initiates the habit. This might be a feeling (boredom, stress), an external signal (a notification, the sight of a snack), or a specific time of day. The cue leads to the routine, the behavior or action you automatically perform in response. Finally, the loop ends with the reward, which reinforces the behavior by providing a sense of satisfaction, relief, or pleasure.

For example, imagine you’re stressed about a work deadline. The stress (cue) triggers a routine of reaching for comfort food, and the temporary relief or pleasure from eating is the reward. Over time, this loop becomes ingrained, making it difficult to stop the cycle.

Why Breaking Habit Loops is Challenging

Habits are deeply rooted in the brain’s basal ganglia, the part responsible for automatic behaviors. This automation saves cognitive effort but also makes habits resistant to change. To break a bad habit, you need to disrupt its loop—either by identifying and addressing the cue, altering the routine, or finding a different reward.

Strategies to Interrupt Habit Loops

1. Identify the Cue
   The first step to breaking a habit is recognizing what triggers it. Spend a few days observing your behavior and note when and where the habit occurs. Ask yourself questions like:
   • What time of day does this happen?
   • How am I feeling when I do this?
   • Are there specific people or environments involved?
   Once you’ve pinpointed the cue, you can work on neutralizing its influence. For instance, if stress triggers overeating, you might explore healthier stress-management techniques, such as deep breathing or journaling.
2. Replace the Routine
   Habits can’t simply be erased; they must be replaced. Instead of focusing on eliminating the behavior entirely, find a healthier or more productive substitute. For example:
   • Replace the habit of reaching for your phone with taking a short walk when you feel bored.
   • Swap out unhealthy snacks for fruit or nuts when you’re craving a mid-afternoon treat.
   The key is to make the new routine satisfying enough to compete with the original one.
3. Reframe the Reward
   Examine what reward your habit is providing and seek alternatives that deliver similar satisfaction. If the habit of checking your phone provides a dopamine hit from notifications, consider engaging in an activity like reading or solving puzzles that stimulates your brain in a similar way.
4. Introduce Friction
   Making bad habits more inconvenient can weaken their hold. For example:
   • Keep junk food out of the house to reduce temptation.
   • Log out of social media accounts to add an extra step before accessing them.
   • Set up physical barriers, such as storing your phone in another room during work hours.
5. Build a Support System
   Breaking a habit is easier with accountability and encouragement. Share your goals with friends or family, or join a group focused on similar objectives. Celebrate small victories to stay motivated.
6. Practice Mindfulness
   Many bad habits operate on autopilot. By practicing mindfulness, you can become more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and triggers. Pause and assess your impulses before acting, which creates space to choose a different response.

Persistence Pays Off

Eliminating bad habits is not an overnight process. It requires patience, self-awareness, and consistent effort. Remember, the goal isn’t perfection but progress. With each interruption of the habit loop, you weaken its hold and pave the way for lasting change.

By understanding the mechanics of habit loops and applying these strategies, you can take control of your behaviors and build a life aligned with your goals and values. Breaking the cycle may be challenging, but it’s a transformative journey well worth the effort.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan and Ada, Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Success leads to more success. When possible, focus on what you’re doing right, and less on what you’re doing wrong. Focusing on your successes builds your confidence to keep going and keep trying. Focusing on your failures will demotivate you and may even lead to depression. But of course, be realistic; be honest.

An Example of Looking for Success

I was talking to a client today in my Ada counseling office about his recent dating life. He had some bad luck with the women he dated over the past year. However, he recently worked up the courage to start a conversation with a girl. Fortunately, it went well and they plan to see each other again. Since he is on an upswing, I decided to ask him to focus on what he’s doing right lately that lead to his current success. He listed several things he is doing right including trying to improve on his job, being more social, trying new hobbies, and giving himself credit for taking reasonable risks. Talking about his successes lead to him realizing more things he has done right recently and he listed those as well. And, remembering more things made him feel more confident. I could see it in his posture.

Choose to Look for Your Successes, Not Your Failures

So, I mentioned to him that we always have a choice to make, focus on successes or on failures. I asked him how he could use this idea if the girl he talked to rejected him. He correctly asserted he could have given himself credit for being brave enough to talk to her rather than feeling like a loser.

The boy in the ad above might have been correct if he told himself he is not the best hitter in the world. Some would say that’s more honest. But changing it to being the best pitcher was also true in a sense. nd much more useful in maintaining his enthusiasm and willingness to keep going.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan and Ada, Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

The post Success over Failure appeared first on Turnabout Counseling.

Putting in effort matters in your mental health. Whether you have anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, or something else. To feel good about yourself, about who you are, or where you are going, put in real effort.

I counsel people who are dissatisfied their jobs, social situation, relationships, or maybe their body or personalities. Quite often, people feel worthless but don’t actually do anything to make themselves more worthy. You can change these things for the better, but only with effort. Magical thinking doesn’t change it, telling yourself you’re a warrior, boss, alpha, etc. won’t turn you into one either. You have to start and actually do the work. The good news is there are some life hacks (behavioral hacks) to get help you start. You’d be surprised at how little effort it takes to become a better person. Notice I said become a better person, not think you’re a better person.

Tired of Being Anxious or Depressed?

If you’re tired of being anxious or depressed, boost your mental state just by getting up and doing something. You have to muster the effort to get out of the chair, off the couch, put your phone down, and start doing things that make a difference. Sometimes the smallest effort such as washing dishes, tidying up a room, or getting outside and going for a short walk is a great start to strengthening your mental health. If you do this, it’s probably a little more than you did yesterday. Start there and add something to it the next time, walk a little farther, clean a little more, read one more page of the book.

If you’re like me, you feel better on days you’re productive and getting things done than on days you “play” but don’t accomplish much. On days I don’t accomplish much, I go to bed thinking of the things I neglected to do. On the other hand, on days I get a lot done, I feel satisfied with myself and look forward to relaxing the next day because I’ve earned it.

Being Productive Improves Mental Health

I’ve seen this same effect with other people. I’ll use my son as an example. I make a point to have my son take on more responsibility around the house. Earlier this Spring I had him split some firewood for me. He went outside grumbling because it meant his video game was interrupted. It took him about 30 minutes to split the wood. When he walked back inside, he walked noticeably straighter and with more swagger. He put in the effort to do something hard and felt better for it afterward. More recently, I had him help me with some yard work. I gave him the more manly task of cutting down some saplings with a machete, which he did. Then on his own, he started pulling some bigger weeds in part of the front yard. When I told him he could take a break if he wanted, he declined. He said he was enjoying seeing the progress he was making. He felt good because he got stuff done and saw the progress.

If you want better mental health, try making improvements to yourself. There are no shortcuts. You have to expend effort. This can be mental or physical effort. It’s okay to start small and work your way up. First, figure out what you want to improve. Consider learning to do something new like play an instrument or learn to cook. I have clients who want to get in better shape so they are designing exercise regimens. The key though is to start really small with about one to three percent of where you want to end up.

Start Small for Better Results

For example, if you want to learn more by reading books, don’t try to read a whole book all at once. Start by reading one page a day and gradually add more pages per day. If you want to start exercising, you might need to start with two pushups in the morning before work or school, then gradually increase. And there are scientific reasons for doing this. I’ll explain below.

Pushing yourself to do too much too soon can burn you out quickly. You’re relying on sheer will power to do it and willpower doesn’t last. Doing too much too soon can lead to failing to reach a goal. This usually hurts your mental health. In addition, if you force yourself to do something like practice piano for too long at one sitting, your brain will register this as something unenjoyable and our brains don’t like to do things that we don’t enjoy. You can only force yourself for so long. We change best by enjoying the changes we make. This usually means starting small and slowly increasing the effort.

Even Things You Don’t Like

Even things we don’t like to do, such as homework, can be enjoyable for short periods of time (maybe only for 30 seconds). This is because we enjoy being productive more than enjoy the task itself. When you start the thing you want to get good at, start with small increments of it, and stop while it still feels good. Your brain registers this as a good thing that should be repeated. This makes it much easier to do again the next day. In essence, by doing the new thing and stopping while it still feels good, we develop a craving to do it some more, which means we’re looking forward to doing it at the next opportunity, rather than being glad the hard effort is over and dreading having to do it again.

There is a good book that explains this in detail called “Tiny Habits” by B.J. Fogg if you want more information and specific ideas.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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For example, if you walk for an hour, you’ll burn about 300 calories.  But you drink one can of pop and you’ve added about 150 calories.  One slice of pepperoni pizza is about 250 calories (and who eats just one slice?).  One plain donut has anywhere from 250 to 400 calories.  

I’ve played around with the idea of making behavior changes with the idea that change is very difficult if it’s painful.  Telling yourself you can’t have something (i.e. donuts) tends to be stressful.  Doing things that cause us stress do not become habit.  B. J. Fogg discusses this in his book, “Tiny Habits”.   We change by doing things that make us feel good, not by doing things that make us feel bad.  So, for myself, I decided it was time to take getting in shape seriously.  When I started thinking about the idea that I would never be able to out exercise a poor diet, I started looking at my diet to see where I could make painless changes and reduce calories.

One of the first things I noticed was that I drink a lot of milk and juice.  While this is certainly healthier than drinking pop, it has the same about of calories.  If I could switch to drinking water instead of milk and juice, I estimated that I could cut out about 700 calories a day easily.

Next I looked at my lunch time meals.  I had a bad habit of forgetting to take a lunch to work with me so would end up going out for a take out lunch.  Quite often pizza because it’s fast and convenient.  One slice of pepperoni pizza is about 250 calories each, and I never stop at just one.  Let’s say I would eat three slices (because it’s pizza and it’s there in front of me).  That’s 750 calories right there.  It’s exceedingly difficult to find takeout food that isn’t loaded with calories.  

On the other hand, if I bring a sandwich and an apple or veggies from home, that turns out to be about 475 calories.   On days, I can also keep dinner to about 500 calories, I’m now below the number of daily calories my body needs to maintain my current weight, which means I lose weight that day.  This also means my one-hour walk (burning about 300 calories) is really paying of in weight loss and muscle toning.

The key seems to be planning ahead so I have what I need to make a lunch at home, and making sure I create a habit of making the lunch and bringing it to work.  Losing a small amount of weight (i.e. a pound or two) in a couple of days proves to be a motivator to continue the practice.  The nice thing is that it doesn’t have to be painful. Quite often, just reading calories of something you’re about to eat can deter you from eating it.  For example, when I saw that there are 350 calories in a Hostess Ding Dong, I was able to immediately put it back on the shelf.  The thought of having to walk over an hour just to burn off calories that I would enjoy for only a  moment just wasn’t worth it.

Going back to the idea of making the process painless, I also began looking at recipes that actually tasted good that were low calorie.  This was mostly vegetables.  I wanted something I would enjoy whether I was dieting or not so I wouldn’t feel I was giving anything up.  I discovered I rather like broccoli and cauliflower  with cajun spices and soy sauce.  I could prepare this in large batches and refrigerate it in single serving containers.  So far, so good.

If you’re trying to get healthy, see if you can find ways to tweak what you’re doing.  You can find ways to cut out calories, find small ways to add movement or exercise to your day,  and start adding these up to big changes.  

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I counsel  lots of people who are trying to get other people to behave differently. This may be a parent who is trying to get their kids to behave better or do their chores.  It may be someone who is trying to get their spouse to treat them more with more respect.  It may also be someone who is trying to change their own behavior.

Whether you’re trying to change your own behavior or someone else’s, you’ll usually get better results if you focus on rewarding or celebrating the things they are doing right rather than criticizing the things that are going wrong.  For example, if your spouse is on the sloppy side and tends to leave things laying around, watch for the next time they put something away without being asked and make sure you compliment or thank them for it.  For example, “I love it when I see you put things away!  That’s so helpful”.  I know it sounds kind of cheesy but it works.  The more you do it the more likely they are to keep putting things away.  Then you can start asking them to do small things and compliment that too.  For example, “Can you do me a big favor and put away those tools you have on the counter”.  If they do it, show appreciation.

If we try to get someone to change behavior by nagging or criticizing, they might develop a habit of doing it, but only because they think you’ll be negative if they don’t.  You really don’t want your teenager to constantly remind themselves of how you’re going to complain if they don’t pick up their room.  It’s better if they have the memory of you being appreciative when you walk by and notice how clean their room is and comment on how mature or responsible they are.

This works on yourself as well.  If you’re trying to develop a new habit, take reading for example,  try to set a time when you will read for at least a minute or two, then give yourself a mental pat on the back for doing the thing you said you were going to do.  I’ve been working on this myself.  I have several habits I’m trying to train myself to do.  Rather than berating myself for not doing something, I focus on celebrating myself when I “do the thing”.  It works.  When I feel successful for doing one thing, I’m eager to keep doing it and I usually do even more constructive things while I’m in such a good mood.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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As I delve more into the science of behavior and motivation, I learn  many of my clients have one thing in common.  They bite off more than they can chew at the start, and then get demotivated and quit. The other thing they do that interferes with their goals is to plan to start “tomorrow”, and tomorrow never happens.

My clients know that starting these good, healthy habits will be a big benefit to them in their lives, so they can’t understand why they can’t just do it.  

The problem is that many of the things we “need” to do in order to feel good about ourselves, cost us in mental and physical effort.  And the human brain doesn’t really like expending energy.  Our brains are geared towards conserving energy, not expending it.  Our brains tell us not to repeat things that are painful or cost a lot of energy.  This may be the same principle in play when we touch a hot stove.  Our brain says to us, “don’t do that again, that hurts.  So goes the motivation when we do something like work out too hard.  We may feel good about burning calories on that first workout, but if we push ourselves and use up all our will power, we are still fighting our brain’s insistence not to do that again because it wasn’t fun.

So, what do you do? You’re trying to start a habit of doing something your brain really doesn’t want you to continue.  How do you convince it otherwise so it will be on your side?

Here’s the trick.  Start small and do just enough so that you’re still enjoying the activity, and then quit for the day while you’re ahead.  Most activities, even math homework, can be enjoyable, or at least satisfying, in short bursts.  For math, for example, you might feel good about the fact that you got out your books and started trying to understand algebra, just for a few minutes.  You want to stop while this still feels good, rather than push through until you’re in agony.

Then, the next day, you add just a little more time to your task.  If you did 5 pushups today and quit before your arms really hurt and your brain is asking why are you doing this, you’ll have the slightest feeling of, “I wanted to keep going”,and then, “I want to do that again”.  This way your brain sees this as enjoyable and instead of dreading when you have to do it again, you’ll be anxiously awaiting the time when you get to do it again.  Then in a few days, you add just a bit more. And in this way, you start to develop a new habit for something that you need to do but don’t necessarily want to do (at first).  Pretty soon,  the exercise or homework or yard work won’t seem like “work” because you let yourself develop an interest in doing it by starting slow and building up.

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Therapy doesn’t work if you’re not going to try the ideas you get from therapy. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. So are you a failure if you go to counseling and don’t use the ideas from counseling? Not likely. Are you lazy? Probably no more so than average.

One of the reasons people don’t follow through with ideas from therapy is that you don’t have a specific plan to try them out. You think, that’s a good idea and I’m going to start doing that and see how it goes (sometime). From a behavioral standpoint, there are a few things that have to be in place for a new behavior to take hold. You have to set up a cue, or prompt, for when specifically you are going to do the new behavior. There also has to be a reward for doing the behavior. Some times we call this a reinforcement of the behavior. This can be just telling yourself you did a good job, or doing a little victory dance. It could be marking it on your calendar or starting a tally system where you make an “X” for every time you do it and keep looking at all the “X”‘s you made.

For some new behaviors you need to rearrange your physical environment to be frequently reminded of the new behavior you want to do. But if you don’t set up a reminder system, or prompt, you’re not likely to do the new behavior.

This is why after I help clients figure out what new behavior they are going to add that will help them get closer to a better life, I then ask them when specifically they are going to do it. Usually I want them to start it the same day as their appointment, not wait until tomorrow. I want to know specifically when they are going to start doing it. If they say, right after dinner, I want to know when specifically “after dinner”. When is dinner officially over? Is it when they put their fork down? Is it when they put the last dish in the dishwasher? Is it when they close the dishwasher door? You need a specific moment that prompts you to do the behavior.

For example, one of my clients wanted to started working out at home every day. He decided that it would be good to add it to his morning routine. Reflecting on his morning routine he recalled that he always drinks a glass of milk in the morning and thought after drinking the milk would be a good time to start. I pressed him about what the precise end of “drinking milk” was so he had a clear cue to walk to his workout area. He concluded that putting the glass in the sink indicated the end of this behavior so we figured out that he could “clunk” the glass down firmly to highlight the end of “drinking milk” and that was his new cue to walk to his weight bench. We next agreed that he would purposely drink milk and clunk the glass down when he got home from his appointment that day and then walk to his weight bench.

Doing the behavior the same day helped reinforce the new sequence for the next day. After he went to his weight bench he celebrated his success with a “woohoo!” to reinforce his success. Guess what? The next day he drank milk and remembered to clunk down the glass with vigor and walked straight to his weight bench. He was able to stick with the new habit by having a very clear cue to start the behavior.

If you’re not trying out good ideas from your therapy sessions, it may not be that you’re not motivated. It may be that you haven’t set up good and specific prompts to do the new behavior.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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We tend to focus on the activity that gets us the results we want, such as going to the gym three days a week. What is more important is developing a short routine that ensures we will follow through to the desired behavior. If you want to start working out more, figure out what the first behavior is that will ensure that you get to the gym. It might be packing your gym bag in the morning and putting it by the front door so you remember to take it with you when you leave for work. It might making a point of turning left out of your work parking lot instead of turning right to go home. Once you turn left you are almost sure to follow through and get to the gym.

What if you want to save money, and calories, by taking your lunch to work instead of eating lunch out. You might develop a habit of setting a lunchbox on the counter as part of your night time routine, so seeing the lunchbox on the counter in the morning prompts you to make a lunch in the morning.

For me, I want to start working out at home so I started setting a set of dumbbells in the living room so I see them after work. Seeing them prompts me to pick them up and do a few curls, and doing this feels good so I’m more likely to walk to the other room where the weight bench is to do some more.

If you can find the small behavior that sets the bigger behavior in motion, it’s much easier to do the thing you tend to put off. If you come home and immediately put on your running shoes, something you don’t have to think too hard about, you’re more likely to get outside. Remember, humans are basically lazy by design and our brains try to conserve energy so trying to drum up the willpower to “work out for an hour” or “clean house for and hour” can seem daunting and our brains tend to say “Nope, maybe later”. But, if we make the beginning behavior super easy and it takes almost no energy, we’re more likely to do the smaller behavior. Once we do the smaller behavior, we’re more likely to follow through and do more than we planned. And voila, you’re on your way to doing the main objective.

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Changing one word of this sentence will make a difference in how you feel about doing the task. Changing the word will make a subtle shift in your motivation to do it. If you change the word “have” to “get” you’ll start to feel the difference. Instead of saying “I have to work out”, try saying “I get to work out”. When I do this, such as when it’s time to clean the house, I find that I actually start to look forward to it. It seems to work on the concept of cognitive dissonance. If your words don’t match your original thoughts or feelings, it creates dissonance, which is uncomfortable. To resolve this your brain has to figure out why you are looking forward to doing something you don’t want to do. It will then start coming up with reasons to make it fit. For example, when I start saying “I get to clean house today”, my brain will start coming up with reasons for why I might be looking forward to this. I start having thoughts about how much I enjoy making the house look tidier, how I like being responsible, and so on.

Try it for yourself and see what happens.

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