Healthy relationships require more than just love—they need respect, healthy boundaries, and mutual understanding. Sometimes, seemingly small behaviors, like interrupting, publicly correcting, or speaking over a partner, may signal early signs of disrespect. If left unaddressed, these behaviors can erode trust, breed resentment, and harm a relationship over time. Here’s why these actions matter and how you can address them to keep your relationship healthy and respectful.

Why These Behaviors Are Harmful

1. Interrupting
   Interrupting a partner can communicate impatience, a lack of interest in their perspective, or even a desire to dominate the conversation. While occasional interruptions may happen unintentionally, a pattern of regularly cutting in can make a partner feel unheard or dismissed. When one partner constantly interrupts, it disrupts the flow of open communication, leading the other to feel undervalued and, over time, even silenced.
2. Publicly Correcting
   Publicly correcting a partner, especially in front of family, friends, or colleagues, can cause embarrassment and damage self-esteem. While some corrections may be harmless or done with good intentions, this behavior often feels patronizing. Public correction can quickly turn into a power move, signaling to others that one partner is “in charge” or feels superior. This kind of behavior can make the corrected partner feel humiliated and resentful, undermining the sense of equality essential for a healthy partnership.
3. Speaking Over
   Similar to interrupting, speaking over a partner demonstrates a lack of respect for their thoughts and opinions. When one person repeatedly talks over the other, it suggests that they believe their opinion is more important. This can lead to frustration, hurt, and a diminished sense of worth in the relationship. Speaking over a partner doesn’t just cut off their voice; it establishes a pattern where their perspective is consistently minimized, creating an unhealthy imbalance.

Long-Term Effects of Disrespectful Communication

Left unchecked, interrupting, publicly correcting, and speaking over a partner can have long-lasting negative effects on a relationship, including:

• Decreased Self-Esteem and Confidence: A partner who feels dismissed, corrected, or spoken over may begin to internalize these behaviors, leading to self-doubt.
• Growing Resentment: Being repeatedly disrespected can cause deep-seated resentment, which can eventually damage trust and closeness.
• Weakened Emotional Intimacy: Healthy communication is the backbone of emotional intimacy. Feeling heard and understood is essential for building trust, but these actions can create distance, leaving one partner feeling alienated or undervalued.

Addressing and Correcting Disrespectful Habits

The first step toward change is recognizing these behaviors as potential signs of disrespect. If you or your partner have noticed these tendencies, here are practical steps for fostering a more respectful dynamic:

1. Reflect on Your Actions and Intentions
   Self-awareness is key to making any change. Reflect on whether you frequently interrupt, publicly correct, or speak over your partner. Consider what drives these behaviors—are they rooted in impatience, a desire for control, or maybe just a habit? Being honest with yourself about the intentions behind these actions can help you understand how they affect your partner.
2. Practice Active Listening
   When one person speaks, the other should actively listen without thinking ahead or planning their response. Practicing active listening shows that you value your partner’s words and are present in the conversation. Simple behaviors like nodding, asking clarifying questions, and making eye contact communicate genuine interest and respect.
3. Establish Boundaries Around Communication
   Set ground rules with your partner around communication to create a more balanced environment. You could agree to avoid public corrections or establish a rule to let each person finish their thought without interruption. These boundaries help both partners feel safe and respected in the conversation.
4. Apologize When You Cross a Line
   Mistakes happen, and sometimes interruptions or corrections will slip out. When they do, acknowledging it can go a long way. Saying something like, “I realize I cut you off—please go ahead,” or “I didn’t mean to correct you in front of others. I’m sorry,” shows humility and a commitment to improving.
5. Create a Safe Space for Feedback
   Encourage open dialogue about each other’s communication needs. Let your partner know they can express their feelings if they feel disrespected, and be open to their feedback. This practice of regularly checking in ensures both partners feel heard and respected.

Building a Respectful Relationship

Every relationship experiences missteps, but how these are addressed makes a difference. Correcting patterns like interrupting, publicly correcting, or speaking over each other may seem small, but they are essential steps toward a more balanced, respectful partnership. Healthy communication fosters trust, strengthens personal boundaries, and maintains an environment where each partner feels valued. By actively working to replace these habits with mindful listening, empathy, and respect, couples can establish a foundation that promotes both individual and relational growth.

In the end, respect is built through small, daily actions. By taking steps to be more mindful, you can create a relationship where both partners feel secure, appreciated, and truly heard.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan and Ada, Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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I recently came across a sign someone put in their yard that said, “KINDNESS ALWAYS”.  At first I didn’t think much of it, but then I began pondering what the person who bought it might mean by it.  Then I considered what it means to me to “be kind”.

I suspect most people think “kindness always” should mean be nice to everyone and never do or say anything that hurts someone’s feelings.  Don’t judge people or their behavior, or at least don’t verbalize your judgements when they’re unflattering.  To me, this is problematic.  To be kind, sometimes you have to tell people the truth, even if it hurts their feelings temporarily.  We don’t grow and learn by being told we’re right all the time, or by people agreeing with every thought we have.  While it’s great to hear about times we’re right; we also need people to be honest when we’re wrong.  This allows us a more accurate assessment of ourselves and  allows us to make needed adjustments.

Kindness Also Means….

Kindness includes people caring enough about us to tell us the truth.  This could be, for example, someone telling us a shirt doesn’t look good on us, or telling us we’re behaving inappropriately. Being kind to others might mean being honest about whether we want to do something for someone.  For example, I have had several clients who were total people pleasers.  They ran themselves ragged at work because they didn’t want to say no to their co-workers or bosses. They didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or disappoint anyone.  I’ve seen people do this with their families too.  Parents run themselves ragged taking kids to too many activities rather than telling them they’ll have to choose one or two.  Spouses sometimes take on too much responsibility for household chores.  Sometimes teenagers have trouble approaching parents about things they feel are unfair.  They grin and bear it until they get overloaded and then either fall apart or have an oversized emotional reaction.

So sometimes being kind means saying “No”, or letting someone know we disagree.  It’s important to find ways to be honest with people you care about, and sometimes with those you don’t care so much about.  We have to be kind to ourselves too and sometimes this means standing up for what we believe rather than just going along to get along.  

How to Get Better at Saying NO

Practice the wording or phrasing for how you want to assert yourself.  You can disagree or say “No” while still showing kindness in the way you talk to people.  It might be as simple as saying, “Do you mind if I tell you what I’m thinking about that?”   I’ve noticed that telling people the thoughts you’re having about something rather than directly disagreeing with them makes it easier for me to voice my concerns and also makes it easier for them to hear it.  People seem more willing to hear your thoughts when you express it this way.  Start with something small that’s not such a big deal.  Try out your wording on something such as disagreeing over where to go for dinner.  Then try to judge whether your wording was effective in being honest and kind at the same time.  You’ll usually know by the way the other person responds.  Do they stop and listen to what you say and comment on it, or do they seem defensive?

Learning to be more comfortable disagreeing with people is a good tool to have at your disposal.  If done right, you can solve problems, get along better with people, and have more authentic relationships with others.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan and Ada, Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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But when it’s with our spouse, there’s a tendency to think, “I have to live with this person so I’m not going to tolerate behavior I don’t like”.  We tend to get demanding, overly critical, or demeaning to people we live with and then wonder why we don’t have good relationships.

I sometimes watch couples interrupt each other, speak harshly to each other, bring up the distant past, and fail to say anything positive to each other, yet tell me their coworkers, and customers love them.  Obviously, they are doing something different at work that they don’t do at home.

This isn’t a new idea.  It’s been said in the past that we tend to treat strangers better than our own families and friends.  So what if you made the attempt to treat your spouse like a coworker that you need to find a way to get along with because your livelihood depends on it.  Perhaps it will give you insight into things you could do differently, or things you really need to stop doing.

What if you conducted yourself as if your spouse was a coworker and your boss was present.  It might not change anything, then again, it might.  

Something else that has helped me get along with coworkers in the past is finding out what they’re passionate about.  I was able to shift their bad mood by engaging them in conversations about things they were interested in.  I recall one coworker who seemed constantly irritated by her work responsibilities.  This made it harder to talk to her about upcoming projects, especially when I was making a request that was going to change her schedule or inconvenience her in some way. I then learned that she and her husband collected vintage toys as a hobby.  If I brought this up during lunch and got her talking about her interests, I could watch her mood shift for the better, which made later discussions about work much more pleasant for both of us.

Along these lines, when is the last time you engaged in a pleasant conversation with your spouse about something they are interested in?  When’s the last time you gave them a sincere compliment.  Making a point to do these things more frequently than asking them to do something for you helps a lot.  Think of it as a bank account,  you want to put more in than you are taking out so your balance stays healthy.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Why Do I Tell Couples to Start Arguments?

  When you’re under stress, you don’t often have the capacity to think the same way you do when you’re relaxed.  Your higher level thinking goes right out the window.  Have you even been under a lot of stress and yelled at your kids or spouse, then regretted your behavior afterwards.  This is an example of what I’m talking about.  You may have every intention of controlling your emotions and words, but you will likely fall back on old behaviors when you’re in an emotional situation.  To handle yourself the way you want when in these situations, you have to practice the skills when you’re calm. 

You also have to practice a lot so the new behavior becomes second nature.  This is why I tell couples to start arguments with each other.  But first, we work out how they want the arguments to go so they they are productive.  We start by discussing how each person can safely bring up a contentious matter without upsetting the other person.  We ask each person, “if your spouse wants to bring something up with you, how exactly should they say it?”.  “Is there a time of day or a location that seems more appropriate?”  We also talk about what their response should be to let the other know they get it and will cooperate with the “practice” argument.

The next step might be to use active listening to make sure the rest of the argument goes well.  Once we lay out the guidelines for a “good” argument, I suggest that couples find an opportunity to try it out right away.  This usually means one of them has to create an “argument” over something simple, or even fun.  So they might start an argument over which restaurant to go to.  If you start an argument with your partner shortly after you’ve discussed how to have a healthy argument, they are more likely to work with you in practicing the new skills. 

It’s important to practice new skills before you really need them.  For example, if you get a new car, it’s a good idea to learn how to use the jack properly before you really need it.   Practice what you want to do when the stakes are low.  Then practice some more.  Have fun with it at first by arguing over something kind of silly.  Then try it with something that’s a little more serious but not urgent.  Soon, you’ll be able to use these same skills when things could otherwise get emotional.

When you practice having a good argument with your partner, you become comfortable with that routine and will develop more comfort and trust when bringing up more serious issues.  You should find your arguments are more like discussions than actual arguments.  

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Top 4 Things That Bug Women about Men

1. Stop letting her make all the decisions.  One complaint I often hear from wives is that their husbands start relying on them to make day to day decisions.  For example,  “where do you want to go for dinner?”  Husband:  “Wherever you want to go is fine with me.”  This means she has to make the decision.  It may seem like a small thing, but wives make decisions all day long and appreciate not having to make so many decisions.

2. Taking her for granted.  While many husbands appreciate all the things their wives do for them, sometimes they forget to show it. One thing I ask at the beginning of marriage counseling is ask each spouse what they like about other person.  Not just practical things, but personal things like specific things about her personality that they like. 

Both men and women are often “all ears” when their spouse starts listing things they value about them. It’s often the first time they’ve heard these compliments in a long time.  There are valid reasons why we do this, but many women have commented it’s nice to hear it.  Quite often, they aren’t sure if they are still a priority for their husbands or not. 

3.  Letting her do all the family obligations.  Wives are usually the first person who gets calls from school and they make all the appointments for the kids.  They take them to doctor and dentist appointments, pick them up from school if they’re sick, and go to parent teacher conferences.  Many wives I talk to would like their husbands to take the initiative on things like this.  This includes planning vacations or time with relatives such as at holidays.  Your wife may want to continue doing these things because they often are more organized than husbands.  If this is the case, see if there is something else you can take off her plate to show your gratitude.

4.  Not paying attention to her world.  Many times wives tell husbands about things that husbands promptly forget about.  It can be annoying for her to remind you about something you agreed to a few days after discussing it with you and you tell her you don’t remember talking about it before.  It makes her feel like you don’t listen. Not paying attention suggests you don’t care.  If she asks to talk about something, make a point to turn off the TV or put your phone away and give her your full attention. 

Write things down if you agree to do something and don’t rely on her to remind you about it.  If you don’t have the ability to give her your full attention at a time when she asks to talk to you, make a point of telling her you are in the middle of something and that you will get back to her shortly, when you are able to give your full attention.  Then make a point of seeking her out at a designated time.  But don’t wait too long.

These are just a few things that bug women about men that I have uncovered.  Your wife may have different concerns, but it’s important to try to meet her part way and share the load.

There is also a useful tool from the book, “The Five Love Languages” that can help you both learn about your own love languages.  The author asserts that there are five different ways we like to give and receive love.  Knowing your own and your spouse’s love language can help you learn the best ways to show love and appreciation for your spouse.  You can look up the Love language quiz and take it online.  This also makes for good dinner conversation.  

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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I often provide counseling for men and women individually. I get to hear a lot of their concerns and complaints about what happens when their relationships go sour. Both sexes seem to have their own set of grievances. And in my counseling for men, there are some things that come up quite frequently. Here are five of the things you should stop doing to your husband if you want the relationship to stay strong.

1. Stop calling him only when you need something or want him to stop on his way home to get something. You can do this on occasion but if the only reason you call is to give him a job to do, he’ll start resenting it. Seeing your name pop up on his phone will because a source of dread, not joy. He might even stop picking up your calls because he doesn’t want another chore. Make a point to call him just to say hi, and see how his day is going.
2. Stop talking during the game or when he is busy. Save it for later. I recently sat next to a couple at my son’s soccer game. The dad clearly wanted to watch the game but his wife seemed intent on doing anything but watching the game. She also seemed intent on not letting her husband enjoy the game either. She talked nonstop about the most inane topics imaginable. The guy tried to be polite while she talked at the side of his head for the first half of the game. He finally got smart and handed her a sucker which kept her occupied and the talking stopped. So, two lessons her: Don’t talk during the game and when you do talk, make sure it’s worthy of the other person’s time.
3. Stop complaining about stuff your husband can’t do anything about. If you tell him you’re cold at the grocery store, it sounds like you expect him to do something about it. If there’s nothing that can be done about it, what’s the point of going on about it. Men get tired of hearing complaints about things they can’t fix. If you’re cold, put on a jacket.
4. Stop complaining in general. I’ve talked to lots of men who tried to do nice things for their wives and regretted it almost instantly. One man spent hours cleaning house while his wife was gone and thought she’d be pleased when she got home. When she did come home, her first comment wasn’t “Wow, the house looks great!”, it was “Why didn’t you put the vacuum away when you were done?” If you’re going to look for things to criticize when your husband tries to go above and beyond to help out, you have yourself to blame when he stops doing those things. When you notice your husband doing things you want him to do, acknowledge the effort and keep criticisms to yourself.
5. Stop asking his opinion on things and then doing the opposite anyway. This gets really annoying for men. You ask whether he thinks you should go with choice A or choice B. He picks choice B, then you say, “I think I’ll just go with choice A”. This basically says that not only do you not care what he thinks, but you’re willing to go out of your way to let him know you don’t care what he thinks.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for men, women, couples, teenagers.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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I was meeting with a couple today for marriage counseling and they told me a story that I thought had an amazingly good strategy. They gave me permission to share this idea in my blogpost (of course I won’t be giving identifying information as to protect their privacy).

A Common Communication Problem

In this situation, as with many couples, the wife usually does the planning for special occasions. Most of the time she doesn’t mind but sometimes she feels taken for granted and would like him to plan for things. So last week, she asked him if he would plan a date for the weekend and he agreed. Knowing him the way she does, about Wednesday she started wondering if he had forgotten because he hadn’t said anything about plans.

Stopping to Think Before You Act

She started feeling angry thinking to herself that, yet again, he had forgotten. This made her feel he didn’t care that much. Her love language is “Tokens of Affection” for those who follow “The Five Love Languages” book by Gary Chapman. So having him thinking about a date and taking time to plan things meant a lot to her. She was thinking about not saying anything to remind him about his promise. This would sort of be setting a trap for him on Friday when he had to admit he had forgotten. Fortunately for them both, she had a better idea.

The Solution:

Instead of letting it go until it was too late, she decided to take this approach. She sent him a text saying that she was looking forward to the date he was planning for the weekend. He responded by admitting he had forgotten, but her gentle but insistent reminder prompted him to take time to plan a really enjoyable date.

She decided not to give in to her initial response that would allow her to basically say “I told you so” and rub his forgetfulness in his face. She realized that response wouldn’t help the relationship. Instead she reminded him in a way that allowed him to save face and follow through with his promise, which was a better turnout for both of them.

Communication in marriage takes a lot of work, patience, and a desire to keep negative things from intruding on the relationship. This couple showed an excellent example of effective communication in marriage that works. As a result, they had a great weekend which could have turned out very differently if the wife had went along with her initial impulses.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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I’ve never met anyone who responds well to criticism, especially when it’s harsh criticism. People often just dig in and defend themselves or their position more intently.

So how do you change your communication strategy and convince someone to listen to your side of things? Start by assuming they have good reasons for thinking, feeling, or behaving the way they do. For them, they are doing something that makes sense and have good reasons for what they are doing. Trying to understand those reasons before you try to convince them of your way of thinking about it, you’ll get further. So to win an argument, you’ll want to treat it as more of a discussion than an argument. If you have an argument, then someone wins and someone loses–and who likes losing?.

But, if you have a discussion, you communicate thoughts and ideas and see if you can learn from each other. This keeps things from getting heated and allows the other person to listen and think about what you are saying. The other person has reasons for thinking and feeling the way they do that make sense to them based on their experiences. Start by accepting this and then see if you can provide an alternative way to view the situation. However, you also have to be willing to really listen to what they are saying for this to really work.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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About 99% of couples answer this question with simple things such as, “He would wake up and say “good morning”. Or “she would hug me when she wakes up”.

Small Things Make a Big Difference

Asked whether these changes make a big difference or a small difference, almost everyone says these make a big difference. Imagine what you can do for your relationship by starting your day with such a small but meaningful gesture. I had one woman say that she would love it if her husband would seem as happy to see her after work as he is to see the dog. Imagine just coming in the door when you get home and greeting your spouse with a smile, a greeting, and some genuine affection.

The questions a therapist asks in marriage counseling are helpful in reminding you of things that will make your spouse feel special and appreciated. The counselor asks these questions to slow things down so your spouse can really listen to you.

Get Started on Fixing Your Marriage

If you’ve been worried about your relationship, marriage counseling may be right for you. Most couples start seeing positive changes right away. For more information about Gary Watson or Solution Focused Counseling, contact Gary at 616-914-9874. Or, go to his website at gary@turnaboutcounseling.com.

Gary Watson is a solution-focused therapist who provides counseling for teens, relationships, and individuals in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

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Things Get Off Track

One possible explanation for this is that when we have kids, life gets busy and we tend to forget about doing those small things we used to do.  The communication changes too.  When you were first dating or first got married you probably made a point to call your spouse just to say hi and let them know you were thinking about them.  Later on, your phone calls may consist of “Don’t forget to pick up milk on your way home from work”. We get busy and forget to let our spouse know the things we appreciate about them but we don’t forget to tell them the things that annoy us.  

This can leave our spouse feeling like we don’t appreciate them or value them.  Then we notice that they don’t seem very affectionate with us anymore.  Our sex lives suffer as a result.  Most people aren’t very interested in sex with someone who doesn’t make us feel valued and desired.  

Getting Back on Track

When this comes up in solution focused marriage counseling sessions, one of the first things I do is ask each of you what it is you like about the other person.  I also go into how you first met and what first attracted you to each other.  We talk about what you used to do in the beginning of your relationship to let your spouse know you were attracted to them and found them worthwhile. 

Being reminded of the things you found attractive in your spouse is a first step to rebuilding your relationship.  Being reminded of the small little things you used to do for your relationship helps you remember simple things you can do to get things back on track.

If you have a relationship that has gotten off track, solution focused marriage counseling can help.  Solution Focused Counseling focuses on the things you’re doing right that you can do more often. It also helps you and your spouse identify small do-able things you can start doing right away that will help you as well.

Gary Watson is a Grand Rapids based marriage therapist. He specializes in helping couples rebuild relationships by helping you do the things that are most helpful in your relationship.  After all, you were doing things right in the beginning or you wouldn’t have gotten married, right?

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