I listened to a podcast this morning about being needed. It described how people who don’t feel useful often get depressed. This can even lead to suicide or early death for some.  For example, when men retire and don’t have enough to do, they often lose their sense of purpose. Their health sometimes suffers as a result.  For some people, if they don’t feel they matter to someone, they wonder “would anyone even notice if I wasn’t around anymore?”.  

Where Else Does It Apply?

I had a conversation with a highschool coach about handling kids that would normally sit the bench during most games.  My opinion is it’s better to cut a player than put them on the team and not let them play in games.  I’ve seen kids lose their passion for the game when this happens faster than if they were cut.  He agreed. When he coaches, he looks at what each kid is skilled at, even if small compared to other players. This coach finds a way to bring out that skill in players and consider when he’s going to need it during a game.  He would make a point to help the player develop their particular skill and  put them in when it was needed.  This helps the player  have a sense of purpose.  And  it helps the team overall.  It also helps build team cohesion.

Need for Purpose and Parenting

All this made me wonder if parents could do the same thing with kids.  What if we make each kid aware they serve a useful purpose within the family so they feel needed.  This could  be something like certain chores, taking care of pets, babysitting, running errands, and so on.

Gary Watson provides Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan and Ada, Michigan.  He counsels couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Here’s a snippet of advice about helping in building kids’ confidence. Although Nick, in this video, is talking about sons, the advice is also true for daughters. Let kids help you do things that are worth doing; things they consider adult tasks. Then either teach them or trust them to figure it out themselves. But, let them know you have faith that they can do it. Then compliment them for getting the job done.

I get young clients who question their worth who weren’t taught the things young men and women need to learn. This can be things like fixing things around the house, cooking, mowing the lawn, maintaining cars, etc. If you have skills, pass them along to your kids. Many parents want to spare their children from these chores for some reason. Perhaps it’s to let them enjoy being kids a little longer. When these kids reach adulthood, they feel unprepared for adulting. They feel they are trying to learn to be adults without the manual. And they develop confidence issues.

How It Works

One thing I do with my son lately, (and I stole the words from Nick Freitas), is to give him a job to do that he has to figure out on his own. I’ll leave him with the words, “I look forward to complimenting you on your success, or punishing you for your incompetence”. It’s a joke but I’m letting him know I expect it to get done; and that I have confidence in his abilities to figure out how to do it. I make sure it’s a task that takes some thinking so he struggles a bit, but not so hard that he won’t figure it out. It works great. He comes back with new confidence and pride in his new acquired abilities.

If you want to keep building kids’ confidence, ask them to help you around the house more. Give them jobs that are worth doing. They will probably complain at first, but feel confident afterward.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan and Ada, Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Raising a teenager can be a challenging yet rewarding experience. One of the common hurdles parents face is dealing with their teenager’s anger. Adolescence is a time of significant change and development, which can often result in intense emotions. Here are some effective strategies parents can use to help manage and understand their teenager’s anger.

1. Understand the Root Cause

Anger in teenagers often stems from various underlying issues such as stress, academic pressure, peer conflicts, or hormonal changes. It’s essential to understand that anger is a secondary emotion that usually masks deeper feelings like frustration, fear, or sadness. By identifying the root cause, parents can address the underlying issues more effectively.

2. Maintain Open Communication

Fostering an environment where open communication is encouraged can significantly help in managing a teenager’s anger. Encourage your teenager to express their feelings and listen actively without judgment. This not only helps in understanding their perspective but also builds trust. Use phrases like “I understand how you feel” or “Let’s talk about what’s bothering you” to show empathy and support.

3. Set Clear Boundaries

While it’s important to be understanding, setting clear and consistent boundaries is equally crucial. Teenagers need to know what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Establishing rules and consequences for unacceptable behavior helps in maintaining discipline and reduces the likelihood of angry outbursts. Ensure that the consequences are fair and consistent to reinforce these boundaries.

4. Model Appropriate Behavior

Teenagers often learn by observing their parents. Modeling calm and constructive ways to deal with anger can be highly effective. If parents handle their own anger in a healthy manner, it sets a positive example for their teenagers. Demonstrating techniques like taking deep breaths, counting to ten, or stepping away from a heated situation to cool down can teach teenagers how to manage their emotions better.

5. Encourage Healthy Outlets

Encouraging teenagers to engage in physical activities or hobbies can provide them with a healthy outlet for their emotions. Sports, music, art, or any other extracurricular activity can help channel their energy and reduce stress. Regular physical activity, in particular, is known to release endorphins which can improve mood and reduce feelings of anger.

6. Teach Problem-Solving Skills

Helping teenagers develop problem-solving skills can equip them to handle situations that trigger anger more effectively. Teach them to break down problems into smaller, manageable parts and brainstorm possible solutions. Encouraging them to think about the consequences of their actions and consider different perspectives can also promote better decision-making.

7. Seek Professional Help When Needed

If your teenager’s anger seems overwhelming or unmanageable, it might be beneficial to seek help from a mental health professional. Therapists or counselors can provide a safe space for teenagers to express their feelings and work through their issues. They can also offer valuable strategies and tools for managing anger and improving emotional regulation.

8. Practice Patience and Empathy

Dealing with an angry teenager requires a lot of patience and empathy. It’s important to stay calm and avoid reacting impulsively to their anger. Understand that adolescence is a tumultuous period, and your teenager might not always have the tools to express their emotions appropriately. Offering consistent support and understanding can make a significant difference in helping them navigate this challenging phase.

9. Focus on Positive Reinforcement

Positive reinforcement can be a powerful tool in encouraging desired behaviors. Praise and acknowledge your teenager when they handle a situation calmly or manage their anger effectively. This not only boosts their self-esteem but also reinforces the idea that positive behavior is noticed and appreciated.

10. Create a Safe and Supportive Environment

Lastly, creating a safe and supportive home environment is crucial. Ensure that your teenager feels valued and understood at home. A nurturing environment can significantly reduce feelings of anger and frustration, and promote overall emotional well-being.

In conclusion, dealing with a teenager’s anger can be challenging, but with the right strategies, parents can effectively manage and support their teenager through this tumultuous phase. Understanding the root cause, maintaining open communication, setting clear boundaries, and providing healthy outlets are key components in helping teenagers navigate their emotions and develop healthier ways to express their anger.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan and Ada, Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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People Engage in Behavior that Works

In my Grand Rapids counseling practice, I work with people who are frustrated with not being treated with respect.  This could be a mother being disrespected by their teenage son, a husband who is being treated poorly by his wife, or someone who is being steamrolled by a boss or coworker.

One of the things we do is start with learning how to say “No” effectively and mean it.  This may mean strengthening your self-esteem and practicing specific ways to say “no” to people that fit your personality.  It often means learning how to effectively establish boundaries with people.  

Why People Treat You with Disrespect

For the most part, we all perform behaviors repeatedly because those behaviors work for us.  When our behaviors get us something we want, we will repeat the behavior.  In fact, it would be silly not to repeat a behavior that works for us.  So, if I have learned that taking advantage of your kindness gets you to do something for me, I will keep doing it.  It is only when that doesn’t work that I will do something else.  

Let’s say your teenage son learns he can ignore your threats to punish him for being disrespectful because nothing actually happens. He still gets to do the thing he wanted with no consequences.  He will continue to get comfortable doing this and do it more often.  So, create a reasonable negative consequence for this behavior that you apply consistently. He will learn that his behavior no longer gets him what he wants and will learn to adapt his behavior.

Here’s another example, let’s say your significant other belittles you when you are with friends.  They may be getting laughs from others or feel superior while doing this. But this only works if you stay around to be belittled.  If you end the conversation or leave when they start belittling you, they learn that if they want you to stick around they have to at least not treat you with disrespect.  For example,  I sometimes advise my adult clients to politely but firmly end conversations with their parent when they start being negative.  When they do this consistently, how quickly the parent learns to be more respectful in how they speak.

Taking Away the Benefits of Disrespect

If you are dealing with someone who treats you with disrespect, think about what gains their behavior gets them. See if you can change the outcome so that the disrespect does not work for them anymore.  However, be aware not to be disrespectful yourself or they may benefit from pointing out how rude you are being.  

If you’d like help getting others to treat you with respect, contact me to discuss how Solution Focused Therapy can help.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Is My Teenager Depressed?

Some of the common behavior changes parents tend to see is withdrawal from the family—often keeping to themselves instead of spending time with family.    They can lose interest in activities they used to enjoy.  They may stop spending time with their usual friends.  Your teenager may also spend too much time sleeping or show changes in appetite.   Depressed teenagers often show signs of secrecy, keeping more things from parents or showing signs of evasion.    An obvious sign of depression is cutting.  If you notice small cuts on your teenagers arms, legs, or torso, or notice blood on bedsheets and pillow cases, it could be a sign of teenage cutting.

There are lots of things that can cause depression for teenagers. It can be a loss of a family member, loss of a friendship or boyfriend or girlfriend, changes in family such as divorce, worry about parents due to things such as job loss and potential homelessness.  Many teenagers worry about their grades and their future career options.  These are just a few things that can cause depression in teens.

What To Do

If your teenager seems depressed, never take it lightly and don’t assume that they will just snap out of it.  Doing this could end in disaster.  If you think your teen is depressed, seek counseling as soon as possible.  Even if your teenager is angry with you about counseling, explain to them that you’d rather have them alive and angry than dead.  I’ve had this conversation with several teens over the years.  

Many teens who come to counseling are not overly happy to be there.  However, they are often appreciative that their parents care enough about them to get them into counseling even if they don’t want to do counseling.  Oftentimes, my teenage clients only have one goal—to not have to come to counseling anymore.  That’s a perfectly fine goal to work with for counseling because the counselor can them help them do the things their parents need to see happen in order to be comfortable ending counseling.  In the process of meeting this goal, they usually end up finding other goals they do want to work on.  Usually once they start counseling, they become more comfortable talking to the counselor and are no longer reluctant to do counseling.  

Counseling for Teenagers

Quite often, one of the first things parents need to see from depressed teenagers is for them to come out of their bedrooms and participate with the family more often, or talk more about their day with parents.  There can be some negotiations with parents about giving them some amount of privacy during these conversations such as parents not asking too many questions.  Teens are often more agreeable to talking to parents about their days when they feel safe they won’t be “interrogated” by parents with 20 or 30 questions when they give some personal information.  This is a good start.

If you are asking yourself whether your teenager is depressed”?, feel free to contact me to start counseling or just ask questions.  

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Does This Sound Like You?

If you are one of these high school students, you may often have anxiety and then start judging yourself harshly for being anxious and not being able to control it. After all, you usually manage to control many aspects of your life and stay on top of things. You may notice having trouble falling asleep because your mind races when you first go to bed. Maybe you wake up with anxious thoughts in the middle of the night and not be able to fall back to sleep.

You may worry because you don’t know what you want to study in college or where you want to go to college. You may not want to go to college but want to have a good career and not know how to make that happen.

If this sounds like you, then you’re in good company. Many high school students worry about not knowing what they want to do with the rest of their lives after high school. Sometimes, you worry because you want to do something meaningful, you just don’t know what that means for you yet.

What to Do About It

There is time to figure it out. Many people change their minds during college and switch majors when they find something they like better. Many people get their degrees in college and end up changing careers to something totally different after being on the job for a figure years. An example is teaching. Many teachers get their Bachelors degree in teaching and get tired of dealing with the stress of teaching after a few years. They end up changing careers or getting trained in something else.

Of course, not worrying about it may not be an option either because telling yourself not to worry is as effective as telling yourself not to think about purple cows. As soon as you try not to think about something, that’s all you think about. So, the trick is to allow your mind to think these thoughts without judging yourself for thinking them or not being able to stop thinking about them. Just accept the thoughts as “that thing I do when I don’t know the answers” and remind yourself that you don’t have to have the answers right now.

Other Strategies

It may help to think about this in terms of “clarity”. You’re trying to gain clarity about your future. You can put your level of clarity on a scale from 1 to 10. If 10 stands for complete clarity about what you need to do and 1 stands for having no idea at all, where are you now? When you can say you’ve gone one number higher, what are some of the things you might know then that you don’t know now? This can be a useful trick to help gain some clarity about your future plans.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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However, several years later, I began working with middle school and high school kids. This was a different matter. Teenagers can be self-conscious so they often don’t want to talk to a counselor or be seen in the counselor’s office.

My First Mistake in Counseling Teenagers:

The first mistake I made when I started counseling teenagers in school, was to focus on the school’s goal for the student instead of talking to students about their own goals. Of course, schools want students to perform well both academically, as do their parents. However, teenagers often do not share that goal, or feel they are doing fine socially and academically so feel no need to get counseling for those issues. So the mistake was in not asking the teenagers what they wanted to change or improve. Thinking back, I can think of few times when school staff asked students what they wanted. Granted, there are many times when it should not and cannot be the student’s choice as to what their expections are.

A Better Way:

However, one thing I’ve learned as a therapist for teenagers is when it comes down to it, parents, teachers, and teenagers all want the same thing for the teenager. They all want the teenager to be successful, to get decent grades, and have a healthy social life. When you include the student in the process of figuring out what needs to change, the student often chooses things similar to what the adults want. Then. you get more buy-in from the teenager. When you don’t bother to ask the teenager for their input on plans that directly affect them, you minimize their buy in.

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We can’t be there 24/7 to protect our children from every bad thing that can happen to them.  And even if we could, it would be bad for them because they wouldn’t learn how to protect themselves.  What we should strive for is giving kids the skills and confidence to avoid and extricate themselves from dangerous situations.

Good parenting skills includes not doing certain things for our kids that they can do for themselves.  For example, your three year old might take 15 minutes to dress themselves and it would only take you three minutes.  However, it’s generally better to let them figure it out themselves and gain self-confidence that they can do things themselves. This doesn’t mean never doing anything for your kids. However, you can evaluate which things you really should have your children do for themselves to teach them to be strong individuals.

Helping Kids Gain Confidence

I try to be aware of what parenting skills I’m using and what my son gains from them. Subsequently, when my son was nine, I would do things like send him inside the gas station to buy snacks while I pumped the gas.  I made sure he had enough money so there wouldn’t be a problem with the clerk if he was short on money.  Because of this, he gained experience doing things by himself and gained confidence interacting with adults. 

Recently, he did the same thing and came back to the car proudly telling me he initiated an interaction with the clerk, saying, “How are you today?”.  The clerk responded kindly and felt more competent in his skills with adults. As a result, later on, he felt confident enough to ask a store clerk where a certain item was located. This was something I probably wouldn’t have been confident to do at his age.

As we parent our children, we often tell our kids not to talk to strangers. If we make them afraid of strangers, they don’t learn to deal with strangers approaching them inappropriately.  What if the stranger is coercing them to do something unsafe?  Will they have enough comfort and confidence to say no and get themselves out of the situation? Or will they freeze? Will they have the confidence to defy a stranger if they’ve had no experience talking to adults?

For more information about parenting strategies, there are some great resources. One of my favorites is Love and Logic which you can find here. If you’d like to get more ideas on parenting strategies, you may want to try parent counseling. See my website for more information.

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The method is simple and is designed for the basic task of getting your child to follow a direction you’ve given them, either to do something or stop doing something. When your child learns to follow your directions without arguing, the rest comes pretty easy.

It’s a simple strategy. All you do is this: Tell your child to do something, or to stop doing something (i.e. stop playing catch with my expensive glass vase). If they comply within about 5 to 10 seconds–great. But if they don’t comply, then you look at them, say “that’s one” in a stern voice while holding up one finger (generally your index finger, not the driving finger). If they comply after this–great. If they don’t comply after about ten seconds, then you hold up two fingers and say, “that’s two”. Again, if they comply–great. If they don’t comply after about ten seconds, then you say, “that’s three; take five”.. This means you got to three and they need to take a five minute time out in their room, or in a quiet corner if you are out in public.

Where most parents fall flat is that they are hoping they won’t get to three so they don’t actually have to put their child in time out. This may be because they don’t want to cause a scene in public. Perhaps they are just too nice and don’t want to punish their kids. So for this to work, you have to have the mindset of wanting to get to three so you can put them in timeout. This helps avoid the common mistake of going, “that’s 1, that’s 2, that’s 2 1/2, 2 3/4…..” and never getting to 3.

If you falter, your child learns they don’t have to listen to you when you count to three. But if you make a point to do the counting, and nothing but counting until either the child complies, or you get to three, they learn quickly that you mean business.

There are a lot of parenting strategies that are easy to use and simple to understand. For the 1-2-3 Magic parenting strategy, there are some other nuances that are helpful to learn, such as what to do once your child is in time out. If you”re interested in learning more, give me a call.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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This is a Love and Logic strategy I incorporate in counseling for teenagers and helping parents use discipline for teenagers. If you’re not familiar with Love and Logic, do a google search and you’ll find tons of books and videos available. Teenagers have a tendency to screw up and do things they shouldn’t or fail to do things they should be doing. One thing parents tend to do to fix this is give the teenager a 20 minute lecture on how the world works and how they are going to ruin their lives if they keep going down this path.

Unfortunately, these lectures don’t usually work. The good news is that your kids already know almost exactly what you’re going to say. This means you’ve already gotten through to them; your voice is already in their head.

A Better Way to Approach Discipline for Teenagers

So how do you get teens to do the right thing if lecturing doesn’t work. The Love and Logic approach is to stop talking and let natural or logical consequences do the teaching. For example, lecturing them about homework may just cause them to shut down (usually combined with eye rolling and heavy sighing). So try this instead. Let them know their ability to earn privileges depends on whether they earn those privileges by working to earn them. This is different from telling them they don’t get something because they did something wrong. So they might earn the use of their iPhone on a daily basis by making sure they have no missing assignments.

Love and Logic Strategies

Love and Logic suggests we have to let our kids own their own problems and learn from experiencing reasonable consequences. And if they create a problem that affects us, we get to solve the problem in a way that works well for us, but not necessarily well for them. So for example, if you have to worry about their missing assignments and lose sleep due to worrying about whether they will graduate, that’s a problem you get to solve. When your teen asks you to drive them somewhere, you might respond with, “I’d really love to drive you, but I’m so exhausted from worrying about your grades I just don’t have the energy to drive you anywhere right now. But as soon as I’m not so tired from all this worry I’m sure I”ll have the energy to start driving you around again”.

Providing discipline for teenagers this way helps them develop better decision making skills.

So, try to stop nagging and lecturing and take the Love and Logic approach. Don’t try to solve all your teen’s problems for them. Let them suffer with their bad decisions as long as the consequences are reasonable. They’ll learn to make better decisions for themselves and gain more confidence and maturity in the process.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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