The relationship between narcissists and agreeable personality type is an important topic in psychology and relationships. People who score high in agreeableness, one of the Big Five personality traits, are usually kind, cooperative, and empathetic. They value peace, fairness, and emotional connection.

These qualities make agreeable people wonderful friends, partners, and coworkers. However, they can also make them more vulnerable to emotional manipulation, especially when interacting with narcissistic individuals.

Understanding the dynamic between narcissists and agreeable personality type can help people recognize warning signs and protect their emotional wellbeing.

What Is an Agreeable Personality Type?

Agreeableness is one of the Big Five personality traits used in modern psychology. People who score high in agreeableness often show traits such as:

• Empathy and compassion
• A strong desire to help others
• Trust in people’s intentions
• A preference for cooperation over conflict
• A willingness to forgive mistakes

Highly agreeable individuals often focus on maintaining harmony in relationships. They may go out of their way to keep others happy.

While this can build strong relationships, it can also make it difficult to set boundaries or confront harmful behavior.

Why Narcissists Target Agreeable Personality Types

The interaction between narcissists and agreeable personality type often follows predictable patterns.

Narcissistic personalities usually crave attention, validation, and control in relationships. They may actively seek people who are:

• Supportive
• Understanding
• Forgiving
• Less likely to challenge them

Highly agreeable individuals naturally fit this profile. Because they want relationships to work, they often give others the benefit of the doubt, even when warning signs appear.

Over time, a narcissist may begin to rely on the agreeable person for constant validation and emotional support.

Emotional Manipulation in Narcissistic Relationships

A key issue in the dynamic between narcissists and agreeable personality type is emotional manipulation.

Narcissistic individuals may use tactics such as:

• Blaming others for their behavior
• Playing the victim
• Using guilt to control the situation
• Alternating praise and criticism

Because agreeable people want to maintain peace, they may try to fix the relationship instead of confronting the problem. This can create an unhealthy power imbalance.

Gaslighting and Self-Doubt

Gaslighting is another common tactic used in relationships involving narcissists and agreeable personality type.

Often, gaslighting happens when someone intentionally distorts reality to make another person question their memory, feelings, or judgment. Examples include statements like:

• “That never happened.”
• “You’re imagining things.”
• “You’re too sensitive.”

Agreeable individuals are often self-reflective and empathetic, which means they may assume they are partly responsible for the conflict.

Instead of questioning the narcissist’s behavior, they may question their own perceptions.

Over time, this can lead to self-doubt and emotional exhaustion.

The Cycle Between Narcissists and Agreeable Personality Types

Relationships between narcissists and agreeable personality type often follow a repeating pattern:

1. The narcissist criticizes or manipulates
2. The agreeable person tries harder to maintain harmony
3. The narcissist escalates control or blame
4. The agreeable person experiences growing self-doubt

This cycle can make it difficult for the agreeable person to recognize how unhealthy the relationship has become.

How Agreeable People Can Protect Themselves

Being agreeable is not a flaw. In fact, it is associated with kindness, cooperation, and strong social relationships.

The key is learning to balance empathy with boundaries. Helpful strategies include:

• Practicing assertive communication
• Recognizing manipulation tactics early
• Setting clear emotional boundaries
• Seeking outside perspectives from trusted friends or professionals

Understanding the patterns between narcissists and agreeable personality type can help individuals stay compassionate without allowing others to take advantage of their kindness.

Final Thoughts

Agreeable people bring warmth and empathy into relationships. Unfortunately, these same qualities can attract individuals who seek control rather than mutual respect.

Learning about the dynamic between narcissists and agreeable personality type makes it easier to recognize manipulation and protect emotional wellbeing.

Kindness is a strength—but it works best when it is paired with healthy boundaries and self-respect.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  He specializes in provided solution oriented therapy for individuals, couples, teenagers, and adults.  He specializes in helping those with struggling with self-doubt or confidence issues, depression, anxiety, and relationship problems.  

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I recently came across a sign someone put in their yard that said, “KINDNESS ALWAYS”.  At first I didn’t think much of it, but then I began pondering what the person who bought it might mean by it.  Then I considered what it means to me to “be kind”.

I suspect most people think “kindness always” should mean be nice to everyone and never do or say anything that hurts someone’s feelings.  Don’t judge people or their behavior, or at least don’t verbalize your judgements when they’re unflattering.  To me, this is problematic.  To be kind, sometimes you have to tell people the truth, even if it hurts their feelings temporarily.  We don’t grow and learn by being told we’re right all the time, or by people agreeing with every thought we have.  While it’s great to hear about times we’re right; we also need people to be honest when we’re wrong.  This allows us a more accurate assessment of ourselves and  allows us to make needed adjustments.

Kindness Also Means….

Kindness includes people caring enough about us to tell us the truth.  This could be, for example, someone telling us a shirt doesn’t look good on us, or telling us we’re behaving inappropriately. Being kind to others might mean being honest about whether we want to do something for someone.  For example, I have had several clients who were total people pleasers.  They ran themselves ragged at work because they didn’t want to say no to their co-workers or bosses. They didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or disappoint anyone.  I’ve seen people do this with their families too.  Parents run themselves ragged taking kids to too many activities rather than telling them they’ll have to choose one or two.  Spouses sometimes take on too much responsibility for household chores.  Sometimes teenagers have trouble approaching parents about things they feel are unfair.  They grin and bear it until they get overloaded and then either fall apart or have an oversized emotional reaction.

So sometimes being kind means saying “No”, or letting someone know we disagree.  It’s important to find ways to be honest with people you care about, and sometimes with those you don’t care so much about.  We have to be kind to ourselves too and sometimes this means standing up for what we believe rather than just going along to get along.  

How to Get Better at Saying NO

Practice the wording or phrasing for how you want to assert yourself.  You can disagree or say “No” while still showing kindness in the way you talk to people.  It might be as simple as saying, “Do you mind if I tell you what I’m thinking about that?”   I’ve noticed that telling people the thoughts you’re having about something rather than directly disagreeing with them makes it easier for me to voice my concerns and also makes it easier for them to hear it.  People seem more willing to hear your thoughts when you express it this way.  Start with something small that’s not such a big deal.  Try out your wording on something such as disagreeing over where to go for dinner.  Then try to judge whether your wording was effective in being honest and kind at the same time.  You’ll usually know by the way the other person responds.  Do they stop and listen to what you say and comment on it, or do they seem defensive?

Learning to be more comfortable disagreeing with people is a good tool to have at your disposal.  If done right, you can solve problems, get along better with people, and have more authentic relationships with others.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan and Ada, Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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But when it’s with our spouse, there’s a tendency to think, “I have to live with this person so I’m not going to tolerate behavior I don’t like”.  We tend to get demanding, overly critical, or demeaning to people we live with and then wonder why we don’t have good relationships.

I sometimes watch couples interrupt each other, speak harshly to each other, bring up the distant past, and fail to say anything positive to each other, yet tell me their coworkers, and customers love them.  Obviously, they are doing something different at work that they don’t do at home.

This isn’t a new idea.  It’s been said in the past that we tend to treat strangers better than our own families and friends.  So what if you made the attempt to treat your spouse like a coworker that you need to find a way to get along with because your livelihood depends on it.  Perhaps it will give you insight into things you could do differently, or things you really need to stop doing.

What if you conducted yourself as if your spouse was a coworker and your boss was present.  It might not change anything, then again, it might.  

Something else that has helped me get along with coworkers in the past is finding out what they’re passionate about.  I was able to shift their bad mood by engaging them in conversations about things they were interested in.  I recall one coworker who seemed constantly irritated by her work responsibilities.  This made it harder to talk to her about upcoming projects, especially when I was making a request that was going to change her schedule or inconvenience her in some way. I then learned that she and her husband collected vintage toys as a hobby.  If I brought this up during lunch and got her talking about her interests, I could watch her mood shift for the better, which made later discussions about work much more pleasant for both of us.

Along these lines, when is the last time you engaged in a pleasant conversation with your spouse about something they are interested in?  When’s the last time you gave them a sincere compliment.  Making a point to do these things more frequently than asking them to do something for you helps a lot.  Think of it as a bank account,  you want to put more in than you are taking out so your balance stays healthy.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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There is a saying among hikers and backpackers about “leaving the trail better than you found it”. This usually means clearing out obstacles as you go, or maybe fixing parts of a trail that are damaged so the next person coming through has a better experience. I’ve done this at the park trails where I walk. If I come across a plastic grocery back on the trail (happens a lot along paths along the roadway), I try to grab it and pick up trash on my way back home. I feel better about cleaning up the walkway and get to enjoy a better experience the next time I go out for a walk on that trail.

So, why not apply this simple principle to the home. Leave every room better than it was when you entered it. If you can develop this habit, you’ll find yourself carrying your dishes with you when you leave a room and head for the kitchen. Once in the kitchen, maybe you put something away that you left on the counter. As you walk through the dining area, you might push in the chair you left out when you got up from the table earlier. You might also find yourself carrying those wrappers to the trash as you go instead of leaving them for your parent or spouse to pick up.

Developing this as a small habit, some call it small but sustained effort will certainly make you easier to live with and you will feel better about yourself for being a more responsible person.

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I thought about it for a few minutes before responding to his dilemma.  Although it’s hard to make mistakes and feel the embarrassment of them, it’s an important life lesson to own your mistakes and learn to be better.  If you can’t admit when you make a mistake you’re just failing to take accountability for yourself.  It’s a fool who can’t admit they make mistakes or screw things up on occasion because you still know you did it and so do the people who are involved. 

So with my son, he walked me through what went wrong, how he made an error in judgement and what he thought he could do to prevent it from happening again.  We talked about how to approach his teammates who got on his case about his mistake.  For example, he could admit it didn’t go well and ask them what he should do differently.  He might get some good advice and learn something.

We also went over events that resulted in the mistake.  For example, the coach had him play defender, which he hadn’t played before.  He misread cues from the goalie since he’d never had to do that before.  These are reasons for the mistake, not excuses.  Doing this is about figuring out how the mistake happened and it can help you feel better, but it doesn’t mean you didn’t  make the mistake.  He came up with a plan to talk to the goalie at the next practice so they both know what to do in future games.  

It takes courage to admit you’re wrong but it also builds integrity and honor.  It’s impossible to go through life without making mistakes, some of them downright embarrassing.  But to earn and keep your self-respect and the respect of others, you have to deal with them.  This means sitting with that feeling of feeling like an idiot for a while, but then brushing yourself off and trying to fix it.

I provide a lot of counseling for teenagers and young men and women and this is often one of the topics we address. How to develop self respect and earn the respect of others. How to conduct yourself at work, school, and in relationships. They are relatively easy lessons to understand yet few of us put them into practice. Even many of my fellow clinicians placate their clients by telling them their life choices weren’t their fault. They tell their clients their problems are caused by society or those “other” people. They say people should just accept you the way you are and if they don’t then there’s something wrong with them. Sometimes this is true, but most times if you want to find the person responsible for your misfortune, just look in the closest mirror. But that’s not so bad because it’s a lot easier to better yourself than to fix someone else.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Top 4 Things That Bug Women about Men

1. Stop letting her make all the decisions.  One complaint I often hear from wives is that their husbands start relying on them to make day to day decisions.  For example,  “where do you want to go for dinner?”  Husband:  “Wherever you want to go is fine with me.”  This means she has to make the decision.  It may seem like a small thing, but wives make decisions all day long and appreciate not having to make so many decisions.

2. Taking her for granted.  While many husbands appreciate all the things their wives do for them, sometimes they forget to show it. One thing I ask at the beginning of marriage counseling is ask each spouse what they like about other person.  Not just practical things, but personal things like specific things about her personality that they like. 

Both men and women are often “all ears” when their spouse starts listing things they value about them. It’s often the first time they’ve heard these compliments in a long time.  There are valid reasons why we do this, but many women have commented it’s nice to hear it.  Quite often, they aren’t sure if they are still a priority for their husbands or not. 

3.  Letting her do all the family obligations.  Wives are usually the first person who gets calls from school and they make all the appointments for the kids.  They take them to doctor and dentist appointments, pick them up from school if they’re sick, and go to parent teacher conferences.  Many wives I talk to would like their husbands to take the initiative on things like this.  This includes planning vacations or time with relatives such as at holidays.  Your wife may want to continue doing these things because they often are more organized than husbands.  If this is the case, see if there is something else you can take off her plate to show your gratitude.

4.  Not paying attention to her world.  Many times wives tell husbands about things that husbands promptly forget about.  It can be annoying for her to remind you about something you agreed to a few days after discussing it with you and you tell her you don’t remember talking about it before.  It makes her feel like you don’t listen. Not paying attention suggests you don’t care.  If she asks to talk about something, make a point to turn off the TV or put your phone away and give her your full attention. 

Write things down if you agree to do something and don’t rely on her to remind you about it.  If you don’t have the ability to give her your full attention at a time when she asks to talk to you, make a point of telling her you are in the middle of something and that you will get back to her shortly, when you are able to give your full attention.  Then make a point of seeking her out at a designated time.  But don’t wait too long.

These are just a few things that bug women about men that I have uncovered.  Your wife may have different concerns, but it’s important to try to meet her part way and share the load.

There is also a useful tool from the book, “The Five Love Languages” that can help you both learn about your own love languages.  The author asserts that there are five different ways we like to give and receive love.  Knowing your own and your spouse’s love language can help you learn the best ways to show love and appreciation for your spouse.  You can look up the Love language quiz and take it online.  This also makes for good dinner conversation.  

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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I often provide counseling for men and women individually. I get to hear a lot of their concerns and complaints about what happens when their relationships go sour. Both sexes seem to have their own set of grievances. And in my counseling for men, there are some things that come up quite frequently. Here are five of the things you should stop doing to your husband if you want the relationship to stay strong.

1. Stop calling him only when you need something or want him to stop on his way home to get something. You can do this on occasion but if the only reason you call is to give him a job to do, he’ll start resenting it. Seeing your name pop up on his phone will because a source of dread, not joy. He might even stop picking up your calls because he doesn’t want another chore. Make a point to call him just to say hi, and see how his day is going.
2. Stop talking during the game or when he is busy. Save it for later. I recently sat next to a couple at my son’s soccer game. The dad clearly wanted to watch the game but his wife seemed intent on doing anything but watching the game. She also seemed intent on not letting her husband enjoy the game either. She talked nonstop about the most inane topics imaginable. The guy tried to be polite while she talked at the side of his head for the first half of the game. He finally got smart and handed her a sucker which kept her occupied and the talking stopped. So, two lessons her: Don’t talk during the game and when you do talk, make sure it’s worthy of the other person’s time.
3. Stop complaining about stuff your husband can’t do anything about. If you tell him you’re cold at the grocery store, it sounds like you expect him to do something about it. If there’s nothing that can be done about it, what’s the point of going on about it. Men get tired of hearing complaints about things they can’t fix. If you’re cold, put on a jacket.
4. Stop complaining in general. I’ve talked to lots of men who tried to do nice things for their wives and regretted it almost instantly. One man spent hours cleaning house while his wife was gone and thought she’d be pleased when she got home. When she did come home, her first comment wasn’t “Wow, the house looks great!”, it was “Why didn’t you put the vacuum away when you were done?” If you’re going to look for things to criticize when your husband tries to go above and beyond to help out, you have yourself to blame when he stops doing those things. When you notice your husband doing things you want him to do, acknowledge the effort and keep criticisms to yourself.
5. Stop asking his opinion on things and then doing the opposite anyway. This gets really annoying for men. You ask whether he thinks you should go with choice A or choice B. He picks choice B, then you say, “I think I’ll just go with choice A”. This basically says that not only do you not care what he thinks, but you’re willing to go out of your way to let him know you don’t care what he thinks.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for men, women, couples, teenagers.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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People Engage in Behavior that Works

In my Grand Rapids counseling practice, I work with people who are frustrated with not being treated with respect.  This could be a mother being disrespected by their teenage son, a husband who is being treated poorly by his wife, or someone who is being steamrolled by a boss or coworker.

One of the things we do is start with learning how to say “No” effectively and mean it.  This may mean strengthening your self-esteem and practicing specific ways to say “no” to people that fit your personality.  It often means learning how to effectively establish boundaries with people.  

Why People Treat You with Disrespect

For the most part, we all perform behaviors repeatedly because those behaviors work for us.  When our behaviors get us something we want, we will repeat the behavior.  In fact, it would be silly not to repeat a behavior that works for us.  So, if I have learned that taking advantage of your kindness gets you to do something for me, I will keep doing it.  It is only when that doesn’t work that I will do something else.  

Let’s say your teenage son learns he can ignore your threats to punish him for being disrespectful because nothing actually happens. He still gets to do the thing he wanted with no consequences.  He will continue to get comfortable doing this and do it more often.  So, create a reasonable negative consequence for this behavior that you apply consistently. He will learn that his behavior no longer gets him what he wants and will learn to adapt his behavior.

Here’s another example, let’s say your significant other belittles you when you are with friends.  They may be getting laughs from others or feel superior while doing this. But this only works if you stay around to be belittled.  If you end the conversation or leave when they start belittling you, they learn that if they want you to stick around they have to at least not treat you with disrespect.  For example,  I sometimes advise my adult clients to politely but firmly end conversations with their parent when they start being negative.  When they do this consistently, how quickly the parent learns to be more respectful in how they speak.

Taking Away the Benefits of Disrespect

If you are dealing with someone who treats you with disrespect, think about what gains their behavior gets them. See if you can change the outcome so that the disrespect does not work for them anymore.  However, be aware not to be disrespectful yourself or they may benefit from pointing out how rude you are being.  

If you’d like help getting others to treat you with respect, contact me to discuss how Solution Focused Therapy can help.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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I was meeting with a couple today for marriage counseling and they told me a story that I thought had an amazingly good strategy. They gave me permission to share this idea in my blogpost (of course I won’t be giving identifying information as to protect their privacy).

A Common Communication Problem

In this situation, as with many couples, the wife usually does the planning for special occasions. Most of the time she doesn’t mind but sometimes she feels taken for granted and would like him to plan for things. So last week, she asked him if he would plan a date for the weekend and he agreed. Knowing him the way she does, about Wednesday she started wondering if he had forgotten because he hadn’t said anything about plans.

Stopping to Think Before You Act

She started feeling angry thinking to herself that, yet again, he had forgotten. This made her feel he didn’t care that much. Her love language is “Tokens of Affection” for those who follow “The Five Love Languages” book by Gary Chapman. So having him thinking about a date and taking time to plan things meant a lot to her. She was thinking about not saying anything to remind him about his promise. This would sort of be setting a trap for him on Friday when he had to admit he had forgotten. Fortunately for them both, she had a better idea.

The Solution:

Instead of letting it go until it was too late, she decided to take this approach. She sent him a text saying that she was looking forward to the date he was planning for the weekend. He responded by admitting he had forgotten, but her gentle but insistent reminder prompted him to take time to plan a really enjoyable date.

She decided not to give in to her initial response that would allow her to basically say “I told you so” and rub his forgetfulness in his face. She realized that response wouldn’t help the relationship. Instead she reminded him in a way that allowed him to save face and follow through with his promise, which was a better turnout for both of them.

Communication in marriage takes a lot of work, patience, and a desire to keep negative things from intruding on the relationship. This couple showed an excellent example of effective communication in marriage that works. As a result, they had a great weekend which could have turned out very differently if the wife had went along with her initial impulses.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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I’ve never met anyone who responds well to criticism, especially when it’s harsh criticism. People often just dig in and defend themselves or their position more intently.

So how do you change your communication strategy and convince someone to listen to your side of things? Start by assuming they have good reasons for thinking, feeling, or behaving the way they do. For them, they are doing something that makes sense and have good reasons for what they are doing. Trying to understand those reasons before you try to convince them of your way of thinking about it, you’ll get further. So to win an argument, you’ll want to treat it as more of a discussion than an argument. If you have an argument, then someone wins and someone loses–and who likes losing?.

But, if you have a discussion, you communicate thoughts and ideas and see if you can learn from each other. This keeps things from getting heated and allows the other person to listen and think about what you are saying. The other person has reasons for thinking and feeling the way they do that make sense to them based on their experiences. Start by accepting this and then see if you can provide an alternative way to view the situation. However, you also have to be willing to really listen to what they are saying for this to really work.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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