However, several years later, I began working with middle school and high school kids. This was a different matter. Teenagers can be self-conscious so they often don’t want to talk to a counselor or be seen in the counselor’s office.

My First Mistake in Counseling Teenagers:

The first mistake I made when I started counseling teenagers in school, was to focus on the school’s goal for the student instead of talking to students about their own goals. Of course, schools want students to perform well both academically, as do their parents. However, teenagers often do not share that goal, or feel they are doing fine socially and academically so feel no need to get counseling for those issues. So the mistake was in not asking the teenagers what they wanted to change or improve. Thinking back, I can think of few times when school staff asked students what they wanted. Granted, there are many times when it should not and cannot be the student’s choice as to what their expections are.

A Better Way:

However, one thing I’ve learned as a therapist for teenagers is when it comes down to it, parents, teachers, and teenagers all want the same thing for the teenager. They all want the teenager to be successful, to get decent grades, and have a healthy social life. When you include the student in the process of figuring out what needs to change, the student often chooses things similar to what the adults want. Then. you get more buy-in from the teenager. When you don’t bother to ask the teenager for their input on plans that directly affect them, you minimize their buy in.

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Building legitimate self-esteem takes time and effort and this sign is basically a lie. It’s what I call “blowing sunshine”. You’re not important, special, amazing, or extraordinary merely by walking into a room. No more than you are a professional athlete merely by walking into a gym. The good news is that you CAN be important, amazing, and extraordinary if you’re willing to do the work. Start small. Do a little more today than you did yesterday. Go a little further, work a little harder, or learn a little more than you did yesterday. Then do a little more tomorrow and a little more the next day. With continued and consistent effort, you can be damn near anything you set your mind to.

People with legitimate self-esteem put in a lot of work to learn and do things they can feel good about. Many people are reluctant to put in the work to improve themselves because they compare themselves to people who are already experts. For example, someone who wants to learn to do a craft such as woodworking shouldn’t compare themselves to a master craftsman.

The master has spent years learning his or her craft. They’ve put the time in. They made lots of mistakes and failed many times and now are at the point where they can make it look easy. It wouldn’t be fair to the new woodworker to feel inferior because they are not as good as someone who has been doing it for twenty years. It also wouldn’t be fair to the master craftsman if someone could do the same quality of work as them in only a few days. But, if you’re willing to do the work, you should be able to become the master in due time.

If you have improvements you’d like to make to yourself, your life, or your relationship, counseling can help. I provide counseling for teenagers and college students, individuals. I also provide marriage counseling in Grand Rapids, Michigan. If you’d like more information, please contact me.

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