I was meeting with a couple today for marriage counseling and they told me a story that I thought had an amazingly good strategy. They gave me permission to share this idea in my blogpost (of course I won’t be giving identifying information as to protect their privacy).

A Common Communication Problem

In this situation, as with many couples, the wife usually does the planning for special occasions. Most of the time she doesn’t mind but sometimes she feels taken for granted and would like him to plan for things. So last week, she asked him if he would plan a date for the weekend and he agreed. Knowing him the way she does, about Wednesday she started wondering if he had forgotten because he hadn’t said anything about plans.

Stopping to Think Before You Act

She started feeling angry thinking to herself that, yet again, he had forgotten. This made her feel he didn’t care that much. Her love language is “Tokens of Affection” for those who follow “The Five Love Languages” book by Gary Chapman. So having him thinking about a date and taking time to plan things meant a lot to her. She was thinking about not saying anything to remind him about his promise. This would sort of be setting a trap for him on Friday when he had to admit he had forgotten. Fortunately for them both, she had a better idea.

The Solution:

Instead of letting it go until it was too late, she decided to take this approach. She sent him a text saying that she was looking forward to the date he was planning for the weekend. He responded by admitting he had forgotten, but her gentle but insistent reminder prompted him to take time to plan a really enjoyable date.

She decided not to give in to her initial response that would allow her to basically say “I told you so” and rub his forgetfulness in his face. She realized that response wouldn’t help the relationship. Instead she reminded him in a way that allowed him to save face and follow through with his promise, which was a better turnout for both of them.

Communication in marriage takes a lot of work, patience, and a desire to keep negative things from intruding on the relationship. This couple showed an excellent example of effective communication in marriage that works. As a result, they had a great weekend which could have turned out very differently if the wife had went along with her initial impulses.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

The post Communication In Marriage: Remind Them to do What They Promised appeared first on Turnabout Counseling.

How Solution Focused Counseling Works: When couples come to counseling to resolve marital issues, they often hope the therapist will be able to help the other person realize how wrong they have been and admit to it, then do things differently from now on. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really work that way. I’ve rarely observed someone who can easily admit they were wrong. They usually get defensive. So don’t go into marriage counseling expecting that you’ll get some satisfaction from your spouse admitting they were wrong.

Solution Focused Counseling is one of the best forms of marriage counseling. Solution Focused Counseling puts an emphasis on building on what is right with your relationship first. We call this doing more of what works. Another useful tactic is to talk about positive changes you’d like to see, rather than talking about what is wrong. Here’s what you should expect to do.

Do This Instead:

Go into marriage counseling expecting to talk about what is currently going well so you can get your spouse to keep doing things that work, or even do more of what works. Then, be prepared to talk about the positive things you’d like to have in your relationship in the future. It’s easier to get your spouse to agree with doing positive things in the future. This is especially true if you’re willing to do things they’d like to see as well.

When we do this in marriage counseling, the sessions are more productive. There is no arguing, or bitterness when you leave, but rather hopefulness, and motivation to try some new things. One other thing that helps a lot is to revisit the time of your courtship and recall all those things you used to do for each other at the beginning to let your spouse know how much they meant to you. Good marriage counseling will make use of these successful times to help build on the things that are going right in your relationship rather than focus on the negative.

In my Grand Rapids counseling office, I offer marriage counseling using solution focused brief therapy. This form of therapy focuses on doing more of what’s going right in your relationship and building a better relationship by talking about what positive changes you’d both like to see in the near future. For more information contact me at 616-914-9874 or visit my website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

To Learn More:

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

The post Solution Focused Counseling helps Marriages appeared first on Turnabout Counseling.