The relationship between narcissists and agreeable personality type is an important topic in psychology and relationships. People who score high in agreeableness, one of the Big Five personality traits, are usually kind, cooperative, and empathetic. They value peace, fairness, and emotional connection.

These qualities make agreeable people wonderful friends, partners, and coworkers. However, they can also make them more vulnerable to emotional manipulation, especially when interacting with narcissistic individuals.

Understanding the dynamic between narcissists and agreeable personality type can help people recognize warning signs and protect their emotional wellbeing.

What Is an Agreeable Personality Type?

Agreeableness is one of the Big Five personality traits used in modern psychology. People who score high in agreeableness often show traits such as:

• Empathy and compassion
• A strong desire to help others
• Trust in people’s intentions
• A preference for cooperation over conflict
• A willingness to forgive mistakes

Highly agreeable individuals often focus on maintaining harmony in relationships. They may go out of their way to keep others happy.

While this can build strong relationships, it can also make it difficult to set boundaries or confront harmful behavior.

Why Narcissists Target Agreeable Personality Types

The interaction between narcissists and agreeable personality type often follows predictable patterns.

Narcissistic personalities usually crave attention, validation, and control in relationships. They may actively seek people who are:

• Supportive
• Understanding
• Forgiving
• Less likely to challenge them

Highly agreeable individuals naturally fit this profile. Because they want relationships to work, they often give others the benefit of the doubt, even when warning signs appear.

Over time, a narcissist may begin to rely on the agreeable person for constant validation and emotional support.

Emotional Manipulation in Narcissistic Relationships

A key issue in the dynamic between narcissists and agreeable personality type is emotional manipulation.

Narcissistic individuals may use tactics such as:

• Blaming others for their behavior
• Playing the victim
• Using guilt to control the situation
• Alternating praise and criticism

Because agreeable people want to maintain peace, they may try to fix the relationship instead of confronting the problem. This can create an unhealthy power imbalance.

Gaslighting and Self-Doubt

Gaslighting is another common tactic used in relationships involving narcissists and agreeable personality type.

Often, gaslighting happens when someone intentionally distorts reality to make another person question their memory, feelings, or judgment. Examples include statements like:

• “That never happened.”
• “You’re imagining things.”
• “You’re too sensitive.”

Agreeable individuals are often self-reflective and empathetic, which means they may assume they are partly responsible for the conflict.

Instead of questioning the narcissist’s behavior, they may question their own perceptions.

Over time, this can lead to self-doubt and emotional exhaustion.

The Cycle Between Narcissists and Agreeable Personality Types

Relationships between narcissists and agreeable personality type often follow a repeating pattern:

1. The narcissist criticizes or manipulates
2. The agreeable person tries harder to maintain harmony
3. The narcissist escalates control or blame
4. The agreeable person experiences growing self-doubt

This cycle can make it difficult for the agreeable person to recognize how unhealthy the relationship has become.

How Agreeable People Can Protect Themselves

Being agreeable is not a flaw. In fact, it is associated with kindness, cooperation, and strong social relationships.

The key is learning to balance empathy with boundaries. Helpful strategies include:

• Practicing assertive communication
• Recognizing manipulation tactics early
• Setting clear emotional boundaries
• Seeking outside perspectives from trusted friends or professionals

Understanding the patterns between narcissists and agreeable personality type can help individuals stay compassionate without allowing others to take advantage of their kindness.

Final Thoughts

Agreeable people bring warmth and empathy into relationships. Unfortunately, these same qualities can attract individuals who seek control rather than mutual respect.

Learning about the dynamic between narcissists and agreeable personality type makes it easier to recognize manipulation and protect emotional wellbeing.

Kindness is a strength—but it works best when it is paired with healthy boundaries and self-respect.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  He specializes in provided solution oriented therapy for individuals, couples, teenagers, and adults.  He specializes in helping those with struggling with self-doubt or confidence issues, depression, anxiety, and relationship problems.  

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Healthy relationships require more than just love—they need respect, healthy boundaries, and mutual understanding. Sometimes, seemingly small behaviors, like interrupting, publicly correcting, or speaking over a partner, may signal early signs of disrespect. If left unaddressed, these behaviors can erode trust, breed resentment, and harm a relationship over time. Here’s why these actions matter and how you can address them to keep your relationship healthy and respectful.

Why These Behaviors Are Harmful

1. Interrupting
   Interrupting a partner can communicate impatience, a lack of interest in their perspective, or even a desire to dominate the conversation. While occasional interruptions may happen unintentionally, a pattern of regularly cutting in can make a partner feel unheard or dismissed. When one partner constantly interrupts, it disrupts the flow of open communication, leading the other to feel undervalued and, over time, even silenced.
2. Publicly Correcting
   Publicly correcting a partner, especially in front of family, friends, or colleagues, can cause embarrassment and damage self-esteem. While some corrections may be harmless or done with good intentions, this behavior often feels patronizing. Public correction can quickly turn into a power move, signaling to others that one partner is “in charge” or feels superior. This kind of behavior can make the corrected partner feel humiliated and resentful, undermining the sense of equality essential for a healthy partnership.
3. Speaking Over
   Similar to interrupting, speaking over a partner demonstrates a lack of respect for their thoughts and opinions. When one person repeatedly talks over the other, it suggests that they believe their opinion is more important. This can lead to frustration, hurt, and a diminished sense of worth in the relationship. Speaking over a partner doesn’t just cut off their voice; it establishes a pattern where their perspective is consistently minimized, creating an unhealthy imbalance.

Long-Term Effects of Disrespectful Communication

Left unchecked, interrupting, publicly correcting, and speaking over a partner can have long-lasting negative effects on a relationship, including:

• Decreased Self-Esteem and Confidence: A partner who feels dismissed, corrected, or spoken over may begin to internalize these behaviors, leading to self-doubt.
• Growing Resentment: Being repeatedly disrespected can cause deep-seated resentment, which can eventually damage trust and closeness.
• Weakened Emotional Intimacy: Healthy communication is the backbone of emotional intimacy. Feeling heard and understood is essential for building trust, but these actions can create distance, leaving one partner feeling alienated or undervalued.

Addressing and Correcting Disrespectful Habits

The first step toward change is recognizing these behaviors as potential signs of disrespect. If you or your partner have noticed these tendencies, here are practical steps for fostering a more respectful dynamic:

1. Reflect on Your Actions and Intentions
   Self-awareness is key to making any change. Reflect on whether you frequently interrupt, publicly correct, or speak over your partner. Consider what drives these behaviors—are they rooted in impatience, a desire for control, or maybe just a habit? Being honest with yourself about the intentions behind these actions can help you understand how they affect your partner.
2. Practice Active Listening
   When one person speaks, the other should actively listen without thinking ahead or planning their response. Practicing active listening shows that you value your partner’s words and are present in the conversation. Simple behaviors like nodding, asking clarifying questions, and making eye contact communicate genuine interest and respect.
3. Establish Boundaries Around Communication
   Set ground rules with your partner around communication to create a more balanced environment. You could agree to avoid public corrections or establish a rule to let each person finish their thought without interruption. These boundaries help both partners feel safe and respected in the conversation.
4. Apologize When You Cross a Line
   Mistakes happen, and sometimes interruptions or corrections will slip out. When they do, acknowledging it can go a long way. Saying something like, “I realize I cut you off—please go ahead,” or “I didn’t mean to correct you in front of others. I’m sorry,” shows humility and a commitment to improving.
5. Create a Safe Space for Feedback
   Encourage open dialogue about each other’s communication needs. Let your partner know they can express their feelings if they feel disrespected, and be open to their feedback. This practice of regularly checking in ensures both partners feel heard and respected.

Building a Respectful Relationship

Every relationship experiences missteps, but how these are addressed makes a difference. Correcting patterns like interrupting, publicly correcting, or speaking over each other may seem small, but they are essential steps toward a more balanced, respectful partnership. Healthy communication fosters trust, strengthens personal boundaries, and maintains an environment where each partner feels valued. By actively working to replace these habits with mindful listening, empathy, and respect, couples can establish a foundation that promotes both individual and relational growth.

In the end, respect is built through small, daily actions. By taking steps to be more mindful, you can create a relationship where both partners feel secure, appreciated, and truly heard.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan and Ada, Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Top 4 Things That Bug Women about Men

1. Stop letting her make all the decisions.  One complaint I often hear from wives is that their husbands start relying on them to make day to day decisions.  For example,  “where do you want to go for dinner?”  Husband:  “Wherever you want to go is fine with me.”  This means she has to make the decision.  It may seem like a small thing, but wives make decisions all day long and appreciate not having to make so many decisions.

2. Taking her for granted.  While many husbands appreciate all the things their wives do for them, sometimes they forget to show it. One thing I ask at the beginning of marriage counseling is ask each spouse what they like about other person.  Not just practical things, but personal things like specific things about her personality that they like. 

Both men and women are often “all ears” when their spouse starts listing things they value about them. It’s often the first time they’ve heard these compliments in a long time.  There are valid reasons why we do this, but many women have commented it’s nice to hear it.  Quite often, they aren’t sure if they are still a priority for their husbands or not. 

3.  Letting her do all the family obligations.  Wives are usually the first person who gets calls from school and they make all the appointments for the kids.  They take them to doctor and dentist appointments, pick them up from school if they’re sick, and go to parent teacher conferences.  Many wives I talk to would like their husbands to take the initiative on things like this.  This includes planning vacations or time with relatives such as at holidays.  Your wife may want to continue doing these things because they often are more organized than husbands.  If this is the case, see if there is something else you can take off her plate to show your gratitude.

4.  Not paying attention to her world.  Many times wives tell husbands about things that husbands promptly forget about.  It can be annoying for her to remind you about something you agreed to a few days after discussing it with you and you tell her you don’t remember talking about it before.  It makes her feel like you don’t listen. Not paying attention suggests you don’t care.  If she asks to talk about something, make a point to turn off the TV or put your phone away and give her your full attention. 

Write things down if you agree to do something and don’t rely on her to remind you about it.  If you don’t have the ability to give her your full attention at a time when she asks to talk to you, make a point of telling her you are in the middle of something and that you will get back to her shortly, when you are able to give your full attention.  Then make a point of seeking her out at a designated time.  But don’t wait too long.

These are just a few things that bug women about men that I have uncovered.  Your wife may have different concerns, but it’s important to try to meet her part way and share the load.

There is also a useful tool from the book, “The Five Love Languages” that can help you both learn about your own love languages.  The author asserts that there are five different ways we like to give and receive love.  Knowing your own and your spouse’s love language can help you learn the best ways to show love and appreciation for your spouse.  You can look up the Love language quiz and take it online.  This also makes for good dinner conversation.  

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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When I see this happen in marriage counseling, the two people quickly reach the point of not even trying to understand eachother.  Once you’re at this point, you can forget about reaching any resolution to your problem.

Try to set feelings aside and understand what they are saying, even if you don’t agree with it. For example, I really don’t like RAP music but if I listen to someone explain why they like it, their reasons will probably make sense to me.  I’m not going to start listening to RAP, but I could better understand why some people do.  

To do this, you have to really focus on what they’re saying first, before worrying about making your counter argument.  If you do this, you’ll stop listening and frustrate the other person.

When people aren’t feeling heard or understood, they get frustrated and angry.  This is when the yelling and hurtful comments can start.  Once they are done talking, you can even say you want to paraphrase it back to them.  You can say something like, “Let me repeat that back to you to make sure I got that right.  You said …. Did I understand you right?”. Try not to sound like a therapist when you do this though or you’ll just annoy them.  If you got everything right, they’ll let you know.  If you missed something, they’ll add that in.

Once you do this, they’ll be much more inclined to listen to you in return.  Now you should be at the point of having a conversation instead of an argument. This is a healthier form of communication.

Sometimes it’s best to take some time to think about what they said before you respond.  You can just say something like, “You may have a point, let me think about that for a bit and get back to you.  Can we talk about it some more tonight?”

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He can help with anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, relationship problems, and more.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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I’ve never met anyone who responds well to criticism, especially when it’s harsh criticism. People often just dig in and defend themselves or their position more intently.

So how do you change your communication strategy and convince someone to listen to your side of things? Start by assuming they have good reasons for thinking, feeling, or behaving the way they do. For them, they are doing something that makes sense and have good reasons for what they are doing. Trying to understand those reasons before you try to convince them of your way of thinking about it, you’ll get further. So to win an argument, you’ll want to treat it as more of a discussion than an argument. If you have an argument, then someone wins and someone loses–and who likes losing?.

But, if you have a discussion, you communicate thoughts and ideas and see if you can learn from each other. This keeps things from getting heated and allows the other person to listen and think about what you are saying. The other person has reasons for thinking and feeling the way they do that make sense to them based on their experiences. Start by accepting this and then see if you can provide an alternative way to view the situation. However, you also have to be willing to really listen to what they are saying for this to really work.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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About 99% of couples answer this question with simple things such as, “He would wake up and say “good morning”. Or “she would hug me when she wakes up”.

Small Things Make a Big Difference

Asked whether these changes make a big difference or a small difference, almost everyone says these make a big difference. Imagine what you can do for your relationship by starting your day with such a small but meaningful gesture. I had one woman say that she would love it if her husband would seem as happy to see her after work as he is to see the dog. Imagine just coming in the door when you get home and greeting your spouse with a smile, a greeting, and some genuine affection.

The questions a therapist asks in marriage counseling are helpful in reminding you of things that will make your spouse feel special and appreciated. The counselor asks these questions to slow things down so your spouse can really listen to you.

Get Started on Fixing Your Marriage

If you’ve been worried about your relationship, marriage counseling may be right for you. Most couples start seeing positive changes right away. For more information about Gary Watson or Solution Focused Counseling, contact Gary at 616-914-9874. Or, go to his website at gary@turnaboutcounseling.com.

Gary Watson is a solution-focused therapist who provides counseling for teens, relationships, and individuals in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

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Things Get Off Track

One possible explanation for this is that when we have kids, life gets busy and we tend to forget about doing those small things we used to do.  The communication changes too.  When you were first dating or first got married you probably made a point to call your spouse just to say hi and let them know you were thinking about them.  Later on, your phone calls may consist of “Don’t forget to pick up milk on your way home from work”. We get busy and forget to let our spouse know the things we appreciate about them but we don’t forget to tell them the things that annoy us.  

This can leave our spouse feeling like we don’t appreciate them or value them.  Then we notice that they don’t seem very affectionate with us anymore.  Our sex lives suffer as a result.  Most people aren’t very interested in sex with someone who doesn’t make us feel valued and desired.  

Getting Back on Track

When this comes up in solution focused marriage counseling sessions, one of the first things I do is ask each of you what it is you like about the other person.  I also go into how you first met and what first attracted you to each other.  We talk about what you used to do in the beginning of your relationship to let your spouse know you were attracted to them and found them worthwhile. 

Being reminded of the things you found attractive in your spouse is a first step to rebuilding your relationship.  Being reminded of the small little things you used to do for your relationship helps you remember simple things you can do to get things back on track.

If you have a relationship that has gotten off track, solution focused marriage counseling can help.  Solution Focused Counseling focuses on the things you’re doing right that you can do more often. It also helps you and your spouse identify small do-able things you can start doing right away that will help you as well.

Gary Watson is a Grand Rapids based marriage therapist. He specializes in helping couples rebuild relationships by helping you do the things that are most helpful in your relationship.  After all, you were doing things right in the beginning or you wouldn’t have gotten married, right?

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Effective communication in marriage is one of the most important things to figure out, and one of the hardest to do consistently. When couples have trouble communicating during conflict, this can be one of the most frustrating of events. In marriage counseling, one of the tasks the marriage counselor takes on is helping you learn to communicate frustrations and concerns in ways your spouse can listen to. Quite often, the counselor will make use of your past successes during disagreements that went well so you can use these strategies in the future. Below is a description of a strategy that helped one couple.

A Strategy That Works in Some Marriages

A couple I was seeing for couples counseling was describing one of their preferred future desires, saying it would be great if they could both not have such strong negative reactions when they are angry about something and have more effective communication during these moments. For example, the husband volunteered that he tends to get angry and swear when repairing things around the house. He is aware that he shouldn’t act this way and doesn’t want to act this way. But when he’s in that moment, it’s hard to pull back and control his temper.

They realized one helpful thing his wife did was to bring him a cup of coffee and suggest he could use a break from his “hard” work. This turned out to be a great distraction from his frustrating task. He took her subtle hint that he was getting out of hand and calmed himself down before resuming the task. They agreed this was a tactic they could use since they both have times when frustration gets the best of them.

Effective Ways to Communicate:

When talking about effective communication in marriage, it can be difficult to “call out” your spouse because it can make their attitude worse. Effective communication is necessary in marriage because you’re stuck with this person for life (if things go well). What seems to work about this strategy is that it interrupts an undesirable behavior without direct confrontation. It may not work for everyone or for every situation but definitely worth a try.

Gary Watson is a Solution Focused Therapist in Grand Rapids Michigan.  He provides counseling for couples, counseling for teenagers, and adults.  He provides counseling for anxiety, depression, stress, college and work stress, and relationship problems.  For more information, please visit the website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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Jon Gottman, an expert on relationships will tell you contempt is the number one relationship killer, so make sure you focus on not letting small annoyances get to you and focus on the things your partner is doing right instead.

If you would like help with your relationships, feel free to contact me. I use a solution focused approach to marriage counseling. In my Grand Rapids counseling office, I provide solution focused counseling for couples who want to renew their relationship and get back to when they were at their best.

The Story:

My “Aha Moment” happened because of a package of hamburger meat. I asked my husband to stop by the store to pick up a few things for dinner, and when he got home, he plopped the bag on the counter. When I started pulling things out of the bag, and realized he’d gotten the 70/30 hamburger meat – which means it’s 70% lean and 30% fat.

What I Do to Him:

I asked, “What’s this?”

“Hamburger meat,” he replied, slightly confused.

“You didn’t get the right kind,” I said.

“I didn’t?” He replied with his brow furrowed. ” Was there some other brand you wanted or something?”

“No. You’re missing the point, ” I said. “You got the 70/30. I always get at least the 80/20.”

He laughed. “Oh. That’s all? I thought I’d really messed up or something.”

That’s how it started. I launched into him. I berated him for not being smarter. Why would he not get the more healthy option? Did he even read the labels? Why can’t I trust him? Do I need to spell out every little thing for him in minute detail so he gets it right? Also, and the thing I was probably most offended by, why wasn’t he more observant? How could he not have noticed over the years what I always get? Does he not pay attention to anything I do?

As he sat there, bearing the brunt of my righteous indignation and muttering responses like, “I never noticed,” “I really don’t think it’s that big of a deal,” and “I’ll get it right next time,” I saw his face gradually take on an expression that I’d seen on him a lot in recent years. It was a combination of resignation and demoralization. He looked eerily like our son does when he gets chastised. That’s when it hit me. “Why am I doing this? I’m not his mom.”

I suddenly felt terrible. And embarrassed for myself. He was right. It really wasn’t anything to get bent out of shape over. And there I was doing just that. Over a silly package of hamburger meat that he dutifully picked up from the grocery store just like I asked. If I had specific requirements, I should have been clearer. I didn’t know how to gracefully extract myself from the conversation without coming across like I have some kind of split personality, so I just mumbled something like, “Yeah. I guess we’ll make do with this. I’m going to start dinner.”

He seemed relieved it was over and he left the kitchen.

The Problem:

And then I sat there and thought long and hard about what I’d just done. And what I’d been doing to him for years, probably. The “hamburger meat moment,” as I’ve come to call it, certainly wasn’t the first time I scolded him for not doing something the way I thought it should be done. He was always putting something away in the wrong place. Or leaving something out. Or neglecting to do something altogether. And I was always right there to point it out to him.

Why do I do that? How does it benefit me to constantly belittle my husband? The man that I’ve taken as my partner in life. The father of my children. The guy I want to have by my side as I grow old. Why do I do what women are so often accused of, and try to change the way he does every little thing? Do I feel like I’m accomplishing something? Clearly not if I feel I have to keep doing it.

Why do I think it’s reasonable to expect him to remember everything I want and do it just that way? The instances in which he does something differently, does it mean he’s wrong? When did “my way” become “the only way?” When did it become okay to constantly correct him and lecture him and point out every little thing I didn’t like as if he were making some kind of mistake?

And how does it benefit him? Does it make him think, “Wow! I’m sure glad she was there to set me straight?” I highly doubt it. He probably feels like I’m harping on him for no reason whatsoever. And it I’m pretty sure it makes him think his best approach in regards to me is to either stop doing things around the house, or avoid me altogether.

Two cases in point. #1. I recently found a shard of glass on the kitchen floor. I asked him what happened. He said he broke a glass the night before. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said, “I just cleaned it up and threw it away because I didn’t want you to have a conniption fit over it.” #2. I was taking out the trash and found a pair of blue tube socks in the bin outside. I asked him what happened and why he’d thrown them away. He said, “They accidentally got in the wash with my jeans. Every time I put in laundry, you feel the need to remind me not to mix colors and whites. I didn’t want you to see them and reinforce your obvious belief that I don’t know how to wash clothes after 35 years.”

So it got to the point where he felt it was a better idea — or just plain easier — to cover things up than admit he made a human error. What kind of environment have I created where he feels he’s not allowed to make mistakes?

And let’s look at these “offenses”: A broken glass. A pair of blue tube socks. Both common mistakes that anyone could have made. But he was right. Regarding the glass, I not only pointed out his clumsiness for breaking it, but also due to the shard I found, his sad attempt at cleaning it up. As for the socks, even though he’d clearly stated it was an accident, I gave him a verbal lesson about making sure he pays more attention when he’s sorting clothes. Whenever any issues like this arise, he’ll sit there and take it for a little bit, but always responds in the end with something like, “I guess it just doesn’t matter that much to me.”

I know now that what he means is, “this thing that has you so upset is a small detail, or a matter of opinion, or a preference, and I don’t see why you’re making it such a big deal.” But from my end I came to interpret it over time that he didn’t care about my happiness or trying to do things the way I think they should be done. I came to view it like “this guy just doesn’t get it and I am clearly the brains of this operation.”

When I started thinking about what I’d observed with my friends’ relationships, and things my girlfriends would complain about regarding their husbands, and I realized that I wasn’t alone. Somehow, too many women have fallen into the belief that Wife Always Knows Best. There’s even a phrase to reinforce it: “Happy wife, happy life.” That doesn’t leave a lot of room for his opinions, does it?

It’s an easy stereotype to buy into. Look at the media. Movies, TV, advertisements – they’re all filled with images of hapless husbands and clever wives. He can’t cook. He can’t take care of the kids. If you send him out to get three things, he’ll come back with two — and they’ll both be wrong. We see it again and again.

(On a side note, I have a friend in advertising, and I asked him why so much of that stereotype exists. He basically said, “‘Smart wife/dumb husband’ is really the only joke that’s allowed anymore. Imagine doing a commercial with a clueless or helpless wife who needs a man to come in and save the day. Customers would be up in arms because of the company’s antiquated views on women. Plus women make the majority of household purchases in this country, and you want to make them feel smart for choosing your product. So what you always get is the dumb husband character foil.)

What this constant nagging and harping does is send a message to our husbands that says “we don’t respect you. We don’t think you’re smart enough to do things right. We expect you to mess up. And when you do, you’ll be called out on it swiftly and without reservation.” Given this kind of negative reinforcement over time, he feels like nothing he can do is right (in your eyes). If he’s confident with himself and who he is, he’ll come to resent you. If he’s at all unsure about himself, he’ll start to believe you, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Neither one is a desirable, beneficial outcome to you, him or the marriage.

How He Treats Problems:

Did my husband do the same to me? Just as I’m sure there are untold numbers of women who don’t ever do this kind of thing to their husbands, I’m sure there are men who do it to their wives too. But I don’t think of it as a typical male characteristic.

As I sat and thought about it, I realized my husband didn’t display the same behavior toward me. I even thought about some of the times I really did make mistakes. The time I backed into the gate and scratched the car? He never said a word about it. The time I was making dinner, got distracted by a call from my mom, and burned it to cinders? He just said, “we can just order a pizza.” The time I tried to put the new patio furniture together and left his good tools out in the rain? “Accidents happen,” was his only response.

I shuddered to think what I would have said had the shoe been on the other foot and he’d made those mistakes.

So is he just a better person than me? Why doesn’t he bite my head off when I don’t do things the way he likes? I’d be a fool to think it doesn’t happen. And yet I don’t remember him ever calling me out on it. It doesn’t seem he’s as intent as changing the way I do things. But why?

“Not the kinds of things to start fights over”

Maybe I should take what’s he always said at face value. The fact that these little things “really don’t matter that much to him” is not a sign that he’s lazy, or that he’s incapable of learning, or that he just doesn’t give a damn about what I want. Maybe to him, the small details are not that important in his mind — and justifiably so. They’re not the kinds of things to start fights over. They’re not the kinds of things he needs to change about me. It certainly doesn’t make him dumb or inept. He’s just not as concerned with some of the minutia as I am. And it’s why he doesn’t freak out when he’s on the other side of the fence.

The bottom line in all this is that I chose this man as my partner. He’s not my servant or my employee. He’s not my child. I didn’t think he was stupid when I married him – otherwise I wouldn’t have. He doesn’t need to be reprimanded by me because I don’t like the way he does some things.

When I got to that point mentally, it then made me start thinking about all the good things about him. He’s intelligent, a good person and he’s devoted. He’s awesome with the kids. And he does always help around the house. (Just not always to my liking!) Even more, not only does he refrain from giving me grief when I make mistakes or do things differently than him, he’s always been very agreeable to my way of doing things. And for the most part, if he notices I prefer to do something a certain way, he tries to remember it in the future. Instead of focusing on those wonderful things, I just harped on the negative. And again, I know I’m not alone in this.

If we keep attempting to make our husbands feel small, or foolish, or inept because they occasionally mess up (and I use that term to also mean “do things differently than us”), then eventually they’re going to stop trying to do things. Or worse yet, they’ll actually come to believe those labels are true.

In my case it’s my husband of 12+ years I’m talking about. The same man who thanklessly changed my car tire in the rain. The guy who taught our kids to ride bikes. The person who stayed with me at the hospital all night when my mom was sick. The man who has always worked hard to make a decent living and support his family.

He knows how to change the oil in the car and can re-install my computer’s operating system and he lifts things for me that are too heavy and opens stuck jar lids. He shovels the sidewalk and puts up a ceiling fans. When the toilet won’t stop running, he fixes it. I can’t (or don’t) do any of those things. And yet I give him grief about a dish out of place. He’s a good man who does a lot for me, and doesn’t deserve to be harassed over little things that really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

A Better Way:

Since my revelation, I try to catch myself when I start to nag. I’m not always 100% consistent, but I know I’ve gotten a lot better. And I’ve seen that one little change make a big improvement in our relationship. Things seem more relaxed. We seem to be getting along better. It think we’re both starting to see each other more as trusted partners, not adversarial opponents at odds with each other in our day-to-day existence. I’ve even come to accept that sometimes his way of doing things may be better!

It takes two to make a partnership. No one is always right and no one is always wrong. And you’re not always going to see eye-to-eye on every little thing. It doesn’t make you smarter, or superior, or more right to point out every little thing he does that’s not to your liking. Ladies, remember, it’s just hamburger meat.

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