However, several years later, I began working with middle school and high school kids. This was a different matter. Teenagers can be self-conscious so they often don’t want to talk to a counselor or be seen in the counselor’s office.

My First Mistake in Counseling Teenagers:

The first mistake I made when I started counseling teenagers in school, was to focus on the school’s goal for the student instead of talking to students about their own goals. Of course, schools want students to perform well both academically, as do their parents. However, teenagers often do not share that goal, or feel they are doing fine socially and academically so feel no need to get counseling for those issues. So the mistake was in not asking the teenagers what they wanted to change or improve. Thinking back, I can think of few times when school staff asked students what they wanted. Granted, there are many times when it should not and cannot be the student’s choice as to what their expections are.

A Better Way:

However, one thing I’ve learned as a therapist for teenagers is when it comes down to it, parents, teachers, and teenagers all want the same thing for the teenager. They all want the teenager to be successful, to get decent grades, and have a healthy social life. When you include the student in the process of figuring out what needs to change, the student often chooses things similar to what the adults want. Then. you get more buy-in from the teenager. When you don’t bother to ask the teenager for their input on plans that directly affect them, you minimize their buy in.

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We can’t be there 24/7 to protect our children from every bad thing that can happen to them.  And even if we could, it would be bad for them because they wouldn’t learn how to protect themselves.  What we should strive for is giving kids the skills and confidence to avoid and extricate themselves from dangerous situations.

Good parenting skills includes not doing certain things for our kids that they can do for themselves.  For example, your three year old might take 15 minutes to dress themselves and it would only take you three minutes.  However, it’s generally better to let them figure it out themselves and gain self-confidence that they can do things themselves. This doesn’t mean never doing anything for your kids. However, you can evaluate which things you really should have your children do for themselves to teach them to be strong individuals.

Helping Kids Gain Confidence

I try to be aware of what parenting skills I’m using and what my son gains from them. Subsequently, when my son was nine, I would do things like send him inside the gas station to buy snacks while I pumped the gas.  I made sure he had enough money so there wouldn’t be a problem with the clerk if he was short on money.  Because of this, he gained experience doing things by himself and gained confidence interacting with adults. 

Recently, he did the same thing and came back to the car proudly telling me he initiated an interaction with the clerk, saying, “How are you today?”.  The clerk responded kindly and felt more competent in his skills with adults. As a result, later on, he felt confident enough to ask a store clerk where a certain item was located. This was something I probably wouldn’t have been confident to do at his age.

As we parent our children, we often tell our kids not to talk to strangers. If we make them afraid of strangers, they don’t learn to deal with strangers approaching them inappropriately.  What if the stranger is coercing them to do something unsafe?  Will they have enough comfort and confidence to say no and get themselves out of the situation? Or will they freeze? Will they have the confidence to defy a stranger if they’ve had no experience talking to adults?

For more information about parenting strategies, there are some great resources. One of my favorites is Love and Logic which you can find here. If you’d like to get more ideas on parenting strategies, you may want to try parent counseling. See my website for more information.

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As a therapist who works with lots of teenagers, I often talking about successful parenting skills. I often caution parents about not letting their kids spend too much time playing video games or playing on iPhones. However, over the past couple of years, it seems just as important to remind parents about their own screen addictions.

I often go to the coffee shop to take a break and do some work on the computer. More and more often these days, I see a parent come in alone with a toddler or infant and sit for a long time, ignoring their child as they focus on their smart phones. I always want to tell them to interact with their child.

Nothing is more important than interacting with your child as this age. Does it take effort? Of course. Is it worth it? Absolutely. We don’t know what the effects on kids will be whose parents are there physically, but not emotionally. However, you can bet it won’t be good. While it’s tempting to think you’ll just be on your phone for a minute while your child is occupied with something else, it usually tends to be more than just a minute.

Successful parenting–raising mentally healthy kids who are responsible, socially adept, and who will become successful adults–takes time and effort. Kids whose parents have put in the effort to interact with them are later rewarded with older children who are intelligent, interesting, socially successful, and positive. They often have better relationships with their children as they grow up.

In my counseling practice, I’ve provided counseling for teenagers who feel their parents lack interest in their lives. These teenagers feel their parents left them to figure things out for themselves and they resent their parents. This tends to be the time when grades slip, or the teenagers get into trouble at school or their neighborhood.

To save yourself the misery of having this situation happen to your family, invest in your children while they are young. Put the phone away and play with your kids.

Gary Watson is a counselor in Grand Rapids, Michigan who specializes in working with teenagers, college students, and young adults. He also provides marriage counseling. Gary uses a solution focused approach to counseling with all clients. To learn more about Solution Focused Counseling, go to the Solution Focused Brief Counseling Association website. To learn more about Gary Watson, please visit his website at www.turnaboutcounseling.com.

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